


It's a Wonderful Life, Severus Snape

by Arionrhod, McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:22:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 35,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11002059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arionrhod/pseuds/Arionrhod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: After the war, Severus has hit rock-bottom and seeks to end it all - only to find he has a very unusual and unexpected guardian angel who steps in for an intervention.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2007. This story was inspired by Frank Capra's film, _It's a Wonderful Life_ ; it's a bit dark in places, so be warned!

But can I gamble this night  
With everything that I am  
And can I erase my life  
Or do I stay here and be damned  
  
Tell me what you think  
Tell me what you know  
Did you really think  
That there would be an ever after  
  
\--"Mephistopheles' Return", by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra

  
  
Just before the warmth and merriment of Christmas, there is another day of note, one which normally goes unnoticed by people in the West, save for astronomers and the followers of certain beliefs which were ancient long before an Eastern star guided three wise men toward a stable in a small town in Judea. It is the winter solstice, also called Midwinter - the longest night of the year, when the darkness is interminable and dawn but a distant dream.  
  
During that long, long night, hope can also seem very far away, especially to those without the comfort of home and family to chase away the bitter cold; for cold it was in the northern part of England that night, a brutal, biting freeze that stole the breath and made bare skin burn. The wind lashed the naked branches of the trees and howled through the eaves of the shuttered houses, whipping the snowflakes falling from the dark, sullen sky into frenzied whorls that danced along the empty roads like icy demons intent on enveloping anything moving, stealing life and warmth.  
  
Only one thing moved among the flurries, a figure as black as the night around him, a figure who seemed impervious to the elements as he moved with grim determination down the pitted, icy road. His slow, deliberate footsteps carried him away from all human habitation, out into the desolation of the frozen forest. The wind snatched at the folds of his long robes and set strands of inky hair to whipping wildly around his pale face, but he didn't falter or turn back toward more hospitable surroundings; this was no aimless trek, but a mission, and it was obvious that nothing could sway him from it.  
  
Not that Severus Snape had anywhere else to go, even if his destination wasn't fixed in his mind with unerring accuracy. He knew exactly how many steps it would take to bring him to where he was headed, for he had walked this path more times than he cared to count. That, of course, had been back in the days when he'd had purpose, when there had been people on both ends of his isolated walk who had, if not cared, at least been interested in his departure and arrival. In those days, his purpose had been the destruction of an evil which threatened to slaughter innocents and destroy the world; and while destruction still remained his goal, this time it was not of anyone except himself.  
  
 _Not that anyone will even notice_ , he thought as he walked on, oblivious to anything except his goal. _The river isn't frozen yet, so I shall sink to the bottom, and perhaps a month from now, or maybe two, someone might wonder if I have slunk off to nurse my wounds like an injured animal. None of them believe that I have any pride, after all; not even Minerva, who should know better by now. But then again, the only person who ever really knew me is gone, by his own design and at my hand. Albus certainly would have known that I can't bear to go on like this. They took everything - my home, my job, my livelihood, my wand, casting me out as a pauper with no way to support myself except by begging charity from others. But there is no charity for the murderer of Albus Dumbledore, exonerated or not. I'm too guilty to be made a saint and too innocent to be imprisoned, so they settled for making me a pariah, as though I were a mongrel dog who could live on the refuse of others. They want to see me humbled, see me broken and begging because I refuse to apologize for anything I did; I won't lick Potter's boots, and I most certainly won't kiss his arrogant arse. If I can't live on my own terms, at least I'll die on them._  
  
The grim direction of Severus' thoughts carried him onward, until he could see that the way ahead had changed, the rough road smoothing out as it gave way to the timbers of a bridge. Over the thrashing of the wind, there was another sound: the gurgle and splash of water as it moved along the riverbed far below. His boot-heels rang hollowly on the boards as he quickened his pace, making his way toward the exact center of the span and then changing course, finally stopping at the low railing which was all that protected the unwary from stepping off into the abyss. That was how it seemed, at least, for the moonless night offered no hint that anything at all lay below, whether the drop into the water would be brief or a long, endless fall into nothingness. This was it, the place he had come to make the final statement of control over his life by ending it.  
  
For a time, Severus stared off into the blackness, emptied of all feeling. He had supposed he would feel satisfaction in knowing that while they had taken everything else from him, they couldn't take this decision. It was his and his alone, an act of defiance in the face of a world which despised him but didn't have the guts to actually kill him and make him some sort of odd martyr. Yet suicide was also against the law, and so in this, he would be an outlaw to the last; yet Severus was a man who had always lived by his own terms, and he would be damned if he were going to stop that now.  
  
In the emptiness of his heart, he searched for something, for one small grain of hope or a tiny quiver of doubt, but there was nothing but a bleak hollowness, as devoid of life and warmth as the night around him. He nodded then, a single movement of his head that would be his only epitaph. The wooden railing was cold beneath his palms, but he didn't care, because soon he would feel nothing at all, blessed oblivion carrying away any cares of his mundane life. It took but a moment to step over the barrier, allowing him to place his feet on the small ledge formed where the boards of the bridge jutted out below the rail. A scant few inches of wood now held him aloft above a vast nothingness, the support so tenuous that if the wind were any stronger, it would have pushed him off.  
  
Poised there on that tenuous support, he reached into the pocket of his robes and pulled out the one thing remaining to him in the world. Long and narrow, the phoenix feather gleamed in the scant light, and it felt warm in his hand despite the wind. This was all he had left, all he had to show for his pain and suffering; a feather Fawkes had bestowed upon him the night Albus had made him swear the Unbreakable Vow, promising to kill him. He had seen sympathy in the eyes of the phoenix that night, before Fawkes had plucked the feather from his tail and offered it to him, a symbol of forgiveness in advance for what Severus must do, and perhaps an apology of a sort as well. Severus had accepted it, and had carried it with him ever since, the one reminder of Albus left to him. It had buoyed him up through the last few difficult months, but even it couldn't do anything for him now. He ought to throw it to the wind, let it snatch it to fly free as had everything else in his life, but Severus simply couldn't bear to do it. Instead he tucked it away, in the pocket closest to his heart, the only warmth which would accompany him to the cold end which awaited him.  
  
There ought to be words, but it seemed pointless with no one there to hear or care. Severus was not a maudlin man, and while he had been accused of being dramatic, there was little reason without an audience to witness his grand gesture. So he stood still for a moment, drawing in a deep breath, and then he released the rail and raised one foot as he prepared to put an end, at last, to the years of pain which had comprised his life.  
  


* * *

  
  
The afterlife, Remus thought moodily, was not all it was cracked up to be. He supposed he ought to be grateful that there _was_ an afterlife, not just oblivion, and that it was mercifully free of wings and harps and fluffy clouds to romp on. Not that he felt much like romping anyway. The longer he was dead, the more aware he became of how much he had wasted his life, and the regrets began to pile up, mostly about the things he hadn't done. He had lived... no, _existed_ so deeply mired in fear that he hadn't fought for anything he wanted, hadn't made decisions based on what he wanted, hadn't followed any of his own dreams. He had just let himself be led along to fulfill the dreams or needs of others. He hadn't enjoyed his life except in short, random bursts, mostly during his younger days before adulthood brought on constant worries about money, food, and lodging. Fatherhood had been one of the unexpected highlights, but it had lasted such a short time, and it hadn't been enough to balance out all the rest.  
  
He'd hated his life, and now it was over. And that, as his former students might have said, really sucked.  
  
Still, there was nothing for it, and so he drifted through a timeless existence and tried to dodge Sirius, James, Lily, and especially Tonks, who all seemed to think he ought to be satisfied with his lot since he'd died with his wife instead of being left a grieving widower. Never mind that their son would have grown up with one living parent and that there wouldn't have been that much grief involved. He had liked Tonks, had even loved her a little, but he hadn't been _in_ love with her, and the thought of spending eternity with her was not helping him move past the thought that perhaps oblivion would have been better after all.  
  
_They_ could be happy, Remus thought with a trace of bitterness. James and Lily had truly been in love, and they didn't mind being together forever, and Sirius was happy because he would be with his best mate for eternity. He was on the outside. Again. Life, death - it didn't really matter, because nothing much had changed.  
  
He wished he could go back and do things differently. The desire to _live_ rather than to exist, to make his own choices, and to live life on his own terms burned in him with a fervency in death that he had never felt in life. Typical, he thought, that he would gain a spark of true passion once it was too late to do anything about it. But he couldn't stop longing for a second chance he knew would never come.  
  
Time meant nothing to him anymore, and for all he knew, he could have been dead for days, weeks, or years when he heard the unfamiliar voice. It was deep and resonant, seeming to come from everywhere and nowhere. If he'd had a skull, he would have said it reverberated through the very bone, but he knew that was impossible.  
  
_Remus John Lupin..._  
  
He tried to pinpoint the source of the voice, but he couldn't, and finally, he gave up and answered. "I am he. Who are you, and what do you want?"  
  
_I have a task for you, Remus._  
  
Remus sighed. Things really _weren't_ different in the afterlife. Even in death, he was being told what to do.  
  
There was a low chuckle all around him, infusing him with warmth.  
  
_This time, you have a choice. Accept or refuse as you will. No harm or penalty will come to you no matter how you choose._  
  
"Oh." He paused and mulled this over. "Well, that's a nice change." A thought occurred to him, and he grew dubious. "It isn't Harry again, is it?" he asked warily. An eternity of playing fourth place guardian angel to Harry Potter wasn't his idea of a good time either.  
  
_No. It involves another. One who is in deep pain._  
  
"What is this task, then?"  
  
_Listen closely, and you shall hear..._  
  


* * *

  
  
As if in slow motion, Severus' weight shifted forward from the foot on the edge of the bridge to the one dangling over empty air. He leaned into it, the icy wind blowing up his robes, chilling the bare skin of his legs. His balance shifted, and with a silent sigh, he closed his eyes and waited for the sensation of falling and the cold wetness waiting at the end.  
  
And waited. And waited.  
  
Frowning, Severus opened his eyes, wondering why he was still suspended on the edge of oblivion. He became aware of the feeling of pressure on his arms and chest, as though the wind were blowing his robes back with gale force against his body. Yet that couldn't be, for the wind was whipping in from what felt like all directions, and it took him a moment to process what was wrong about the situation. When he did, he ground his teeth impatiently and gave a snarl of frustration, wondering what he had ever done to deserve the vagaries of a fate which seemed determined to mock him.  
  
He was being held fast by his robes, which must have caught on a spur or nail in the railing and were now holding him balanced over the edge of the bridge like some blasted frame hung by a wire on the wall. It was like a final slap in the face from a life which had treated him most unfairly, but he would be damned if he would step off the edge now and hope that the thick wool tore and let him fall. The way his luck was running, it would cling with all the tenacity of a toddler to a lolly, leaving him quite literally twisting in the wind to be found by the next hapless traveler to pass over the bridge. So he did the only thing that he could, placing his dangling foot back on the bridge and reaching back with one hand to pull himself upright once more. Then he turned the upper part of his body, intent on releasing the snag and being about the business of dying as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, there were two problems with his plan.  
  
The first he discovered when he managed to twist enough to look behind him and found that while his robes definitely were caught, it wasn't by a nail or snag. And the second was that what his robes _were_ caught by was the hand of someone he knew, loathed, and who couldn't possibly be there, since he'd been dead for over six months.  
  
It must have been the cold that was slowing his thought processes, Severus thought, or else he had already fallen, and this was some horrible hallucination he was having during the long drop to the water. Or perhaps he was already dead, and in the endless moments before his brain froze and ceased to function, he was having what amounted to a nightmare. He waited for a long moment to see if the vision would fade, and when it didn't, he scowled fiercely, enraged at this sudden derailing of his plans, whatever unlikely event had caused it. And as there was only one outlet for his temper, Severus unleashed it with all the force of his considerable vexation.  
  
"Let go of my bloody robes, Lupin!" he snarled. "You're dead, you're not here, and even if you were, a ghost wouldn't be able to hold me. I don't know if this is some horrific cosmic joke, but no matter, I am _not_ amused, and I want to get on with dying!"  
  
"Hello, Severus. It's good to see you again, too," Lupin replied with a pleasant smile. The werewolf hadn't changed much in death; his hair was still greying, and his clothes looked shabby and oft-mended, in no better shape than they had been when he was alive. "Although I do wish we'd met under different circumstances. Would you mind terribly coming off the ledge? To be such a thin man, you're heavier than I thought, and I'd rather you didn't kill yourself just yet."  
  
"What you'd _rather_ is of no interest and of even less concern to me!" Severus ground out. This had to be a nightmare,for the bloody werewolf to be standing there grinning at him like some brainless idiot. He held on to the railing with one hand, and with the other he grabbed at his robes and tugged hard, trying to free them from Lupin's hand. For a figment of his imagination, however, Lupin was annoyingly tenacious. "Let go, or I will come over there and send you back to whatever hell spat you up to torment me!"  
  
"I'm afraid I can't do that." Lupin offered him a wryly apologetic look even as he grasped the back of Severus' robes more firmly with both hands. "I've been sent to convince you not to kill yourself. Personally, I'm aware of how difficult it is to change your mind once you're made it up, but the Powers That Be want me to try, and I said I would."  
  
"What in the hell are you blathering on about?" Severus asked in annoyance. He released the railing and used that hand to help tug his robes back. "There are no bloody Powers That Be, and even if there were and if you _were_ sent, it wouldn't be to help me! Damn you! I've had everything taken from me, and I am not about to let you, figment of my imagination or not, keep me from doing this!" He yanked hard, uncaring about losing his balance; after all, if that happened, he won by default, but his competitive nature had been roused by Lupin's words and made him all the more determined to do it _his_ way.  
  
"You're wrong, Severus." Lupin snaked one hand out and grabbed Severus' wrist, tugging him back toward the bridge. "There _are_ Powers, and they _did_ send me. I don't want to take anything from you; I want to give you back something, if I can." He tightened his grip on Severus' wrist. "Look, all I want is a little bit of your time. I don't need the whole night, and there aren't any ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future involved. If you still want to kill yourself afterward, so be it. I'll even give you a little push as a show of good faith."  
  
The hand on his wrist seemed real enough, and Severus blinked in surprise before his expression became a glare once more. "You've been watching too many disgustingly sentimental films. Is that your eternal punishment, to have to revisit every horrifically soppy cinematic moment? What happens next, are you going to claim that every time a curmudgeon smiles, a werewolf gets his wings?"  
  
Lupin chuckled, a surprisingly cheerful sound considering the setting, but he didn't loosen his grip on Severus' wrist or robes. "Oh, no. Nothing like that. I'm dead, and there is no changing that. You, however, still have a choice, and I'm here to help you make the right one. There isn't anything in it for me. I was told of your situation and was offered the chance to talk you out of committing suicide. No wings involved. No reward of any kind, really." His expression turned wistful. "I believe I was chosen because I have a unique perspective to offer. I died with many regrets, Severus, and now I have no chance to make different choices. I'd like to help you avoid the same fate."  
  
The situation was becoming more impossible and surreal by the moment, and Severus felt a headache beginning behind his eyes, brought on by the way the blood was pounding in the veins of his forehead. It always happened when he was on the verge of incoherent rage, just like the tic at the corner of his mouth, which he could feel pulsing with annoying regularity. His hands were still clenched in the fabric of his robes, and he briefly considered just pulling Lupin over the edge with him; if the prat really were dead, it wasn't as though he'd be hurt by it.  
  
But he didn't want to share his death or even his last moments with Lupin or anyone else. This was _his_ time, and he wanted it to be as he had planned, alone and quiet and on his terms. Lupin had spoiled it or was some perverse instrument of it being spoiled by whatever entity seemed determine to thwart Severus at every turn. It was even vaguely possible this was some spell which had been placed on him by the Dark Lord or even by a well-meaning but completely misguided Albus. No, it must have been the Dark Lord, knowing how much Severus hated Lupin and everything about him and all the bloody Gryffindors of his year. If Albus had been determined to thwart a potential suicide, if he had even suspected Severus capable of such, the old bastard would have made the vision of himself, knowing Severus would be more inclined to listen to him than to someone he loathed.  
  
If it were a spell, Severus had no means of ending it, wandless as he was, so the only thing to do was wait until the damned thing ended. There was also a component of morbid curiosity as to what the Dark Lord considered a psychological punishment in Severus' case, and Severus was human enough - despite any rumors to the contrary - to want to look in the mirror being held up to him. Any claim that a higher Power was looking out for Severus and cared about him ending his miserable existence, he discounted completely; if anyone Up There ever gave a damn about him, Severus had never seen any evidence of it. In fact, his life seemed much more at the whim of sources closer to the Darkness than to the Light.  
  
"You're speaking utter bullshit, but fine, whatever," Severus snapped in annoyance. "I'll pretend to listen to your inanity, and when the spell is over - sorry, when your 'Powers That Be' are satisfied - I'll get back to my business in merciful solitude. Just hurry up and get it over with, or you'll find me dying of boredom, and you can kiss those bloody wings goodbye."  
  
Releasing his robe, Severus grasped the rail and stepped back over it, gaining his footing on the bridge before pulling his robes free of Lupin's hand with a sneer. He tugged his wrist out of Lupin's grasp, crossed his arms over his chest, and stared down at Lupin along the considerable length of his nose, ignoring the fact it was red from the cold and probably made him look ridiculous. "Get on with it, then. I haven't got all night!"  
  
"Well..." Lupin tapped his chin and appeared to mull over the situation for a moment. "Why don't you start by telling me why you want to kill yourself? The Powers That Be said you were suicidal, but they didn't elaborate on why."  
  
"How convenient, and how typical - powerful beings sending people on errands without fully informing them," Severus snorted disdainfully. "Is that supposed to make me sympathetic to you or something, because I've walked a few million miles in those shoes? 'I'm just the messenger, take pity on me.' Well, my capacity for sympathy is precisely zero at the moment. If you really are Lupin, which I doubt, you have a brain. Think about it. No doubt I'm tossing myself off a bridge in a burst of ecstasy brought on by being too bloody happy to bear myself!"  
  
"No doubt," Lupin replied dryly, but his expression turned puzzled, and he shook his head, seeming bewildered. "But I don't understand why. The war is over, and _you_ survived. What has happened since then to bring you to this point?" He glanced around as if taking in his surroundings for the first time. "It's winter, obviously. But what month is it?" He smiled wryly and shrugged. "For that matter, what year is it? Time doesn't have any meaning where I've been, and I haven't been able to follow the goings-on in the world since my death, whenever that was."  
  
Severus' lips twisted. This was ridiculous, but he supposed he had no choice but to play along until it got too tiresome to be borne, although he began to wish to have an aneurysm or a heart attack to end his misery. "Clever," he said in a bored tone. "You don't know anything, and I have to tell you everything, thereby saving you work. In the interests of speeding along the proceedings, I'll play for the moment. It's December the twenty-first of the year both you and the Dark Lord were put out of my misery. It was, however, a woefully brief respite, as I, unfortunately, survived my wounds and didn't receive the death I'd worked so hard to earn. Your Powers That Be decided I hadn't suffered enough, I suppose, and so I was left alive to bear the slings and arrows of outraged fortunates , who apparently have neither the desire nor the intelligence to believe that Albus outwitted the Dark Lord and Harry Potter both. So I'm guilty of being not guilty, and in the infinite wisdom of the powers down _here_ , I have been stripped of my home, my magic, my profession, and virtually everything except the robes you so inconveniently and inconsiderately caught. I wish they'd taken these as well; then I'd either have fallen already or perhaps I would have frozen to death on my way here. Either way would have been a victory."  
  
"I'm sorry," Lupin said, and Severus could detect no trace of mockery in his voice or eyes, only sincere sympathy, which was almost worse than mockery would have been. "I'd no idea it was that bad for you, but still, where there's life, there's hope, right?" He offered a one-sided smile. "Things are bad now, but they could change. You could start over anew elsewhere instead of ending it all here."  
  
Anger flared again, and Severus began to shout, his voice rising over the wind, snatched away and sent to add his own bleakness to that of the night. "Bad now? You're bloody right they're bad, and they've gotten worse for months with no end in sight! I didn't just wake up this morning and decide 'oh, what a lovely day to kill myself. I'll have shepherd's pie for dinner then go fling myself off the bridge!' Oh, no, this is ongoing, insult added to injury, pain and indignity more than anyone, even _you_ , should have to bear! For six months, they have eroded away my life, trying to erase every last trace of anything which mattered to me, to steal the last molecule of my dignity and self-respect and hold it up to public ridicule and scorn. They don't _want_ me to die, Lupin; they merely want me to _wish_ I was dead, and I have decided to take control of my life again and rob them of the satisfaction of seeing me broken and begging like some pathetic.... _YOU_. Dead? Ha! They have no fucking clue. I wish your bloody 'Powers' had seen to it I was never even born in the first place!"  
  
Panting, feeling as though all his masks had been stripped away, leaving him exposed and vulnerable, Severus turned away to hide the agony he knew must be in his eyes. His throat felt tight with the emotions he'd repressed, having buried deep everything save his anger. Now his grief was there, too, and his pain, as his throat tightened and his eyes stung with something besides the cold. He didn't want Lupin to see him this way, figment of his imagination, spell, or whatever he was. Some things were too personal and intense to be shared with anyone, and it would be all the worse if somehow Lupin _were_ real and was witnessing Severus' ultimate humiliation - the loss of himself.  
  
He felt the weight of a hand on his shoulder and a gentle squeeze, but before he could flinch away, Lupin began to speak again. "Is that what you want, Severus? To have never been born? I can give it to you, but you must be certain it is what you truly want."  
  
Severus couldn't speak, but to have never been born - to be nothing, to never know pain or fear or defeat, to never have to worry about the lives he ended and the ones he couldn't save. It was... freedom. It was better than death; it was a total blotting out of all his mistakes, all his suffering. The ultimate clean slate, for there to not _be_ a slate to begin with. It sounded like heaven; perhaps Lupin _had_ been sent, and perhaps there was a reprieve for Severus after all.  
  
He nodded vigorously, and then he cleared his throat. He still couldn't face Lupin, but he managed to speak. "Yes. It is what I truly want."  
  
"Very well." Lupin's voice was soft, barely audible over the wind, but Severus heard a click as if Lupin had snapped his fingers, and the world went out of focus and shimmered, as if it was somehow reshaping itself. But after a moment, Severus' vision cleared, and he was still on the bridge, but oddly enough, he was no longer cold. The wind whipping around him and making his robes flap didn't seem to penetrate them as it had been only a moment before. "There. It's done." Lupin slid his hand down Severus' arm and curled his fingers around Severus', and Severus found that for a dead man, Lupin had remarkably warm hands. "Now let's go and see what a world without Severus Snape looks like, shall we?"  
  
Severus blinked, brought out of his contemplation of his own misery and thoughts of Lupin's hands by his words. He snatched his hand away and stepped back, frowning. "Wait, what do you mean, seeing what the world looks like? I don't _care_! Why am I even still here, anyway? If I was never born, shouldn't that be it? Shouldn't I have... dissolved or popped out of existence or something? There's no point in this! I don't want to see how bloody marvelous everything is without me! Haven't I suffered enough?"  
  
"What do you have to lose by taking a peek?" Lupin asked, giving him that damned inscrutable smile. "You aren't dead; you've never been born here, so you have nowhere else to be for the rest of eternity. Come on, Severus. I've never known you to run away from anything, so why would you shy away from seeing what this world is like?"  
  
"Because I don't want to!" Severus snapped, every fiber of his being - or not-being, as the case may be - screaming rejection of the idea. This wasn't what he thought he'd agreed to, and no doubt the world was just perfect without him. He didn't want to be _here_ ; he didn't want to _be_ , and he was starting to believe the horrifying truth was that he had condemned himself to hell - a hell of wandering an Earth he'd never walked upon, watching the lives he'd never touched go about their business in happiness, knowing he really hadn't mattered. Frantically, he felt in his pocket for Fawkes' feather, but it wasn't there. Even that had been taken from him, which made sense if he had never been born at all, but he hadn't thought to even still be here to worry about it. Lupin was as duplicitous as ever, and it made Severus furious. "You tricked me! I'm less than a ghost now. I'm less than nothing! What happens when you pop off to wherever you came from?"  
  
"You'll cease to exist," Lupin said, his tone matter-of-fact. "As long as I'm with you, you'll remain in this limbo state, but when we part ways, I'll return where I came from, and you will simply not-be. It isn't a trick, and if this is really what you want, I will go away, but I think there are some things you should see before you make up your mind for good."  
  
Severus paused, brow furrowing in contemplation. If it were true, if he really would cease to exist, then if he felt pain now, he wouldn't remember it after. A vision rose up in his mind suddenly, and he turned to look at Lupin. "Can I go where I want? See what I want?" he asked huskily. Some temptations were definitely too much to be denied, despite the pain they might bring.  
  
"Yes," Lupin replied, nodding. "You may go anywhere and see anything you like." He paused, tilting his head as he regarded Severus quizzically. "Where would you like to start?"  
  
It would be easier if it weren't Lupin, if he didn't have to reveal a part of himself in this, a part which had always been private. But he didn't have the power to move himself, and the embarrassment no longer mattered, no more than the potential hurt. "I want to see Lily Evans," he said, lifting his chin with proud defiance. A shadow crossed his face. "Not at Hogwarts, either. I want to see her as she was when we were children together. She... is. Was. The only real friend I ever had. The only person who ever liked me for me and not for what she could use me for."  
  
"Very well," Lupin said, and he stretched out his hand again. "If that's what you want, then take my hand, and we'll go and see Lily. Not Lily as you knew her, but Lily without you to be her friend."  
  
If Lupin had been anything but matter-of-fact, Severus would have balked, but as it was, the impersonal comment made it easier. He nodded brusquely and reached out to touch Lupin's hand, drawing a deep breath and steeling himself as he would before a battle, readying himself for finding out if even the person he had once cared for most was better off without him.  
  
As soon as he clasped Lupin's hand, he felt Lupin's fingers close around his, warm and solid, and as Lupin stepped forward, the world seemed to shimmer again as if time and space were folding; it gave Severus a moment of nauseating disorientation, but when the world righted itself again, he had to squint against the suddenly bright sunlight shining through a windowpane. He whirled around, startled to find himself in a parlor - one he knew. He had been there before many times, always feeling awkward and out of place in the neat little room, so different from his own house where the furniture was second-hand and mismatched, and nothing was ever tidy.  
  
"Lily's house," Lupin said, although Severus didn't need Remus to tell him that. "This is the day Lily receives her invitation to Hogwarts."  
  
As if on cue, the door burst open, and Lily ran into the room, a familiar cream-colored envelope clutched in one hand, and Petunia was close behind, her face pinched in a disapproving frown.  
  
Severus sneered at the sight of Petunia, but his gaze was riveted on the familiar red-haired girl. She looked just as he remembered, green eyes glowing and cheeks pink with excitement. It was one thing Severus had always found fascinating about Lily Evans; she was color in a world which otherwise seemed drab and dark. A long time ago, back when life had been simpler - when he'd _had_ a life - he'd fancied himself half in love with her. It had been doomed, and not just by James Potter and Sirius Black. The adoration of a child for a playmate was beyond the concerns of reality, and it had been Severus' own nature which had guaranteed there could be nothing more than friendship long before Lily would even give James Potter the time of day.  
  
"I remember this day... or one like it, I suppose," he mused to himself, barely aware he had spoken aloud. "So excited, so full of hope."  
  
"It's a little different here," Lupin said, gesturing to Lily, who was opening the envelope with trembling fingers.  
  
Severus watched as she withdrew the invitation and read it with Petunia peering over her shoulder. Lily's bright green eyes grew wide and round, and she lifted one shaky hand to her mouth.  
  
"Freak," Petunia's voice was low and tight, filled with venom. "They want you to go to a school for _freaks_! It's wrong, what you can do. It isn't _normal_!"  
  
"I'm not a freak!" Lily shook her head in a vehement denial. "I'm _not_!"  
  
"You are! And if you go to that school, everyone will know!"  
  
Severus' hands clenched into fists, and he stalked over to Petunia, bending down so he could yell right in her face. "She's not a freak - _you_ are! You and your self-righteous attitude and your jealousy! You _deserve_ the wanker you end up married to and your fat slob of a son! Lily is the only decent thing to come out of this family!"  
  
Petunia stepped toward Lily, passing right through Severus, and he stiffened at the reminder of what he was. Or rather, what he wasn't, which was alive or here. Less than a ghost, they could not hear or see him, and his vitriol had been wasted.  
  
He stepped back as Lily looked at her sister. "But I want to go," she said, looking stricken. "It has to mean something, what I can do! It has to be for a reason!"  
  
Petunia laughed, low and mocking. "The reason is because you're some kind of oddity, like that two-headed snake at the zoo or the bearded lady at the circus! That's what they do with freaks, you know. They put them on display for everyone to see! I don't want people to know I come from the same family as a hideous monster! Mum and Dad will die of shame!"  
  
"They won't," Lily gasped, obviously horrified by the images her sister painted. Severus trembled with anger; if he had been there, as he had once been with his own letter, to support Lily and tell Petunia exactly where she could get off, Lily wouldn't be suffering like this. He raised a hand, letting it hover over Lily's shoulder for a moment, before dropping it to his side.  
  
"Don't let her do this to you," he implored her, knowing she couldn't hear and yet hoping that somehow, some way, she might feel his silent support.  
  
"Oh yes, they will! They'll have to tell the neighbors you were sent away to a _special_ school, and everyone knows what that means!" Petunia smirked in triumph as Lily's eyes filled with tears. "Special means _freak_! Everyone will point and laugh at them and talk about poor Mrs. Evans, whose daughter was such a monster, they had to send her far away to be with others like her!"  
  
"I'm not! I'm not a freak!" she sobbed, and then she lifted the letter and tore it into pieces.  
  
"Stop this! Stop her!" Severus whirled to glare at Lupin. "Quit standing there like an idiot and _do_ something, Lupin! I can't, but you can!"  
  
"No, I can't," Lupin replied, gazing at Severus with sympathy in his blue-green eyes, and he turned back to watch Lily, whose expression was growing hard with stubborn determination.  
  
"I want a normal life," Lily said, her green eyes blazing. "I'm not a freak or a monster. I won't go!" She darted over to the rubbish bin and threw the remains of the letter in it. "There's no such thing as magic!"  
  
Lupin glanced at Severus and spread his hands. "You said you wished you had never been born, and I made it happen. This is the choice Lily makes without you there to show her that she isn't alone and there is nothing freakish about being able to perform magic. Her sister is able to play on her fears and exert more influence over her without you there to balance things out. There isn't anything _I_ can do to change that."  
  
Severus ground his teeth; this wasn't what he had expected to see, and he was shocked that his presence had so much to do with Lily's decision to go to Hogwarts. He'd always thought it was what she _wanted_ and to see her throw it all away made him feel positively ill. He'd thought that her life would be better without him, but now she would never go to Hogwarts, never learn magic, never meet Potter and have a son and...  
  
"Wait." Severus shook his head, giving a harsh, mirthless chuckle. "I said people would be better off without me, and I was right! Tearing up that letter just saved her life! Now she won't die at the Dark Lord's hands. It all makes sense, in a twisted way. Because of me, she started down a path that eventually lead to her death. She might be giving up magic, but in the long run, it doesn't matter, because she can live a long, happy life now, and she'll never even know that she missed out on anything."  
  
The irony was bitter, but Severus accepted it. In the long run, he _had_ been responsible for Lily's death in more ways than one. The only solace he took was that his feelings of guilt would be brief, for in a short time, he'd cease to exist completely.  
  
"No, she won't die at the Dark Lord's hands," Lupin said, gazing at the two young girls, who had frozen as if time now stood still. "That much is true. But as for a long and happy life..." He shook his head. "Well, we'll get there soon enough. I think it's best if we proceed chronologically rather than jumping around. Come, Severus, and let me show you how else the world has changed."  
  
He captured Severus' hand again, and before Severus could protest, the neat little room faded, and Severus felt as if he were being stretched thin as time twisted and folded around them. When they stopped this time, he knew where they were immediately: the grounds of Hogwarts. Gone were the signs of damage it sustained in the war, and the grounds were bursting with new growth. Students from all Houses bustled by, still wearing jumpers in spite of the bright sunshine, and Severus guessed it must be springtime.  
  
"This way." Lupin tugged his hand, and Severus followed, frowning when he realized he recognized the faces of the students passing by.  
  
"That's Emmaline Vance," he said, feeling a new twinge of guilt at the sight of another young woman whose death was on his hands. "And there - isn't that Rosier?" Everywhere he looked, he seemed to see the face of a ghost, another youthful image of someone whom he knew was dead. "What's going on, Lupin? Why did you bring me here?"  
  
"Look there." Lupin pointed to a cluster of students a short distance away, and Severus felt his stomach clench at the all-too familiar sight.  
  
A young man lying on the ground, writhing as though bound by invisible ropes, pink bubbles frothing from his mouth as he gagged. For one sickening moment, he thought he was looking at himself, but that was impossible; he wasn't meant to be here! He moved closer, and the sick feeling in his gut didn't lessen when he saw it was Regulus at the mercy at James Potter and Sirius Black rather than himself. Regulus' pale eyes sparked with defiance and loathing as he glared up at his brother whilePettigrew looked on with eager fascination, and other students began to gather around as well, wide-eyed and bordering on laughter.  
  
Regulus had been another friend, even if he hadn't been one like Lily, whose acceptance had not been dependent upon any conditions. Slytherins didn't form attachments like that, especially not with matters like blood and money added into the mix. Yet Severus had considered Regulus one of his companions, a bond made stronger by their mutual loathing of Regulus' brother. There had been more as well, but Severus shied away from thinking about _that_ , especially as it appeared Regulus was suffering the fate for which Severus had been destined - whipping boy to the Golden Gryffindors.  
  
He wanted to help Regulus, but he already knew he was powerless to do anything. It chafed at him, and he shot Lupin a look of pure hatred. "Why did you want to show me this? To prove that I did serve a useful function by taking on the abuse Regulus would have to endure instead?" It was intolerable that Lupin, of all people, was doing this to him, and a quick glance around showed Severus exactly what he expected to see.  
  
Lifting a hand, he pointed at the form of a younger Remus sitting under a tree with his nose buried in a book. The prefect badge was there on his robes, and Severus smirked in triumph; at least here, he could make Lupin feel as frustrated and uncomfortable as _he_ was feeling. "Well, I see one thing certainly hasn't changed - you! Any guilt in this situation isn't mine; it's yours. Still sitting there and refusing to get your hands dirty, refusing to stand up for what's right if it means going against your friends." He crossed his arms over his chest and raised a haughty brow. "Still say there is nothing _you_ could do to change anything?"  
  
"I'm dead," Lupin reminded him softly, "and this is not my second chance. You are still alive, and you still can make choices. My time for choosing is over, and I can never change anything or make it right again." He walked over to stand beside his younger self, gazing down at the form huddled beneath the tree. "I was a fool," Lupin whispered, his hands clenching into fists by his sides. "Yes, Severus, you are right: the guilt here is mine." He snapped his head up again, and Severus was surprised to see not pity for his younger self but guilt and anger in his eyes. "I should have stopped them. I knew it was wrong, and I hated what they were doing, but I was weak and afraid, and I wasted my chances to stand up to them. Perhaps I could have exerted some influence over them. Perhaps not. But I never even tried, and now I carry that regret with me beyond death."  
  
He glanced over at Regulus and then at Severus, and for an instant, Severus thought he saw the shimmer of tears in Lupin's eyes, but Lupin blinked, and if there had been tears, they were gone, hidden behind the mask of polite calm that Lupin seemed to wear even now that he had shuffled off his mortal coil.  
  
"I'm sorry," Lupin said, meeting Severus' gaze steadily. "I cared too much about what the world thought of me, and I didn't realize the folly of it until too late. If it were in my power to change this - and other scenes like it - I would, but I can't. All I can do is express my sincere remorse and ask your forgiveness."  
  
If things had seemed unreal before now, the fact Remus Lupin was apologizing and asking for _his_ forgiveness made Severus wonder if perhaps everything from the time he'd walked on the bridge was something he'd dreamed up in a drunken stupor. He gaped at Lupin in shock, at a complete loss for words for once. Before he could manage to summon up a derisive retort, the situation around them took a sudden turn for the worse.  
  
It shouldn't have been surprising, really; Lupin hadn't done anything the first time, and now there was no Lily Evans to storm in and break things up. Regulus was no more inclined to take this sort of abuse without retaliation than Severus himself. The binding spell faded as Potter and Black were still chuckling, and Regulus, more agile than Severus had been, made a rolling dive and came up with his wand, which he pointed toward the pair. Before even James could manage to raise his own wand, Regulus had fired off a spell, and a large volley of glowing arrows left his wand and went flying toward his tormentors. There were gasps from the students who had been watching as the arrows found their mark, the majority of them impacting Sirius, who was larger and slightly closer than his friend. Potter and Sirius Black all fell to the ground, writhing and screaming in pain, and Regulus smiled, an expression as nasty as any Severus was capable of at his worst.  
  
"You're not laughing anymore, _brother_ ," he snarled. "Not so funny now, is it?"  
  
Young Lupin threw his book aside and jumped to his feet, his eyes wide with horror, and a couple of students broke away from the crowd and ran toward the castle, no doubt to summon a teacher. A burly Hufflepuff stepped forward, reaching out as if to restrain Regulus, but he snarled and turned his wand on the boy, who immediately backed off. Whirling, Regulus ran off, heading away from the castle rather than toward it while his victims lay moaning, incapacitated by the magical arrows; he had inflicted serious curse magic on them, and no doubt they would be spending considerable time in the infirmary.  
  
Severus was shocked, watching the scene before him in a daze. Regulus... who knew he was capable of so much violence? Yes, they'd all tosses hexes at each other, some of them serious business, but this was so much more than Severus' own response had been; he'd settled for cutting Potter, not lashing out with such force. Certainly he _could_ have, had he wished, but something had stayed his hand - perhaps a sense of self-preservation, knowing he might be expelled if he took things too far or possibly even a sense of reasoned response. But he had been from nothing with no family backing and even fewer resources of his own. Regulus was a different story. The favored son of the Blacks with family influence. No doubt even this wouldn't get him kicked out of Hogwarts.  
  
Watching the Gryffindors he'd hated most writhing in agony made his stomach churn. He'd hated them, but seeing them like this gave him surprisingly little satisfaction. Perhaps it was because he saw it now from a man's perspective, a man who had fought through two wars and seen blood and destruction and knew this kind of petty bickering was ridiculous and juvenile, or perhaps it was because it hadn't been he who had suffered at their hands this time, and so he could be slightly more objective in thinking Regulus' response had been out of line.  
  
The adult Lupin watched with sorrow etched on every line of his face, and he turned a mournful gaze to Severus. "What if I had stepped in before things reached this point? What if I had spoken up before Sirius and James had dangled you upside-down? I wonder now if things might have happened differently. We both affected what happened in our time line by our actions and in-actions , and your absence changes things more than you might realize. I didn't bring you here to make you feel guilty about Regulus becoming the target in your stead. You needed to see this so you will understand what I must show you next."  
  
Lupin's words drew him out of his reverie, and he frowned as he mulled over what Lupin said. "Yes, we both affected things. No one ever stood up for me against the four of you except Lily, and I had already begun pushing her away by then. I don't know that I would have accepted _your_ help, either, because I hated you for being their friend and being so ineffectual." He looked back at the scene, where MadamePomfrey was arriving followed by several teachers to aid the injured boys. Did he want to see more? He'd thought his life had nothing but bad effects, but this was something different, something he'd never considered. Perhaps the hatred of Potter and his ilk had been less personal than he'd always thought. It looked in some ways like Potter was no different than any other bully, just needing a target to torment to make himself feel big and important, and if it hadn't been Severus, obviously it would have been Regulus. If Regulus wasn't there, chances were good that it would have been somebody else.  
  
"All right," he said, nodding before he could change his mind. It was nothing but intellectual curiosity, he told himself as he looked at Lupin, whom he now saw in a slightly different light after all this. Lupin could have been their target, too, if things had been different, if he had been sorted into Slytherin rather than Gryffindor. Grudgingly, Severus admitted to himself that he'd mostly hated Lupin because he'd been _their_ friend and hadn't done what he should have done as a prefect. Well, and one other thing, he acknowledged with a silent scowl.  
  
Lupin took his hand again, and this time, Severus was braced for the disorienting sensation as they traveled to their next destination, wherever - whenever - that might be. When they stopped, Severus looked around, and his gaze immediately fell upon the Whomping Willow. Alarmed, he glanced up at the sky and saw a full moon shining overhead, and realization made him sick with dread.  
  
"It happened anyway, even without me there," he whispered hoarsely. "Who...?"  
  
Lupin pointed to a hooded figure stealing across the grounds, headed for the Whomping Willow; as the figure approached, it stopped and peered up at the tree, which was still for the moment, and its hood fell back.  
  
Regulus.  
  
"Stupid!" Severus spat, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "Immature boys with dangerous weapons. But this isn't _my_ fault, damn it!"  
  
Regulus turned toward the Willow again, which began to sway ominously. He searched the ground quickly, then stooped to pick up a long branch, which he raised up over his head. The knot was there; Severus knew it well, and Regulus managed to prod it after a few tries as the tree grew steadily more agitated. The flailing of the branches stopped at last, and Severus turned to Lupin.  
  
"Why show me this?" he snapped, shaking with anger and the memories of what had happened to him in the long, dank tunnel toward which Regulus was now headed. "This is one of the worst memories of my life, something that formed me and made me what I became. Why? Why would I need to watch someone else go through it? If you're trying to say that Regulus ends up with _my_ fate, it's pointless. Regulus' life ended in an even worse way than mine did, and he went to the Dark Lord anyway! Up until this point, I might not have done it, joined the Dark Lord and become a Death Eater. This night is what changed that forever!"  
  
Severus stared into Lupin's eyes, looking for meaning, looking for the reason he was being subjected to this. It was as though his life had meant less than nothing, since those whose lot hadn't ended up better without him seemed doomed to suffer the same torments he had suffered. He grasped Lupin by the shoulders, trying to shake the damned inscrutable mask from his face. "Is that what it is? My life didn't matter at all. That's what you're trying to say, isn't it?" he demanded bitterly. "The events go on, even without the people. It's even worse than I thought. My life was pointless, and I can't even make anything better by taking myself out of it completely!"  
  
In a life that had often seemed full of painful realizations, this was the worst: life or death didn't make a difference, because absolutely nothing he had done had mattered at all.  



	2. Chapter 2

When Severus began to shake him, Remus flung his hands up to clutch at Severus' arms, but he didn't try to stop Severus or to pull away; he knew this was difficult and painful for Severus, and he wished he could tell Severus everything about how this time line unfolded, but Severus needed to see it for himself. Words weren't enough, and Severus might not believe him anyway.

In truth, he was no more eager to proceed than Severus likely was; seeing this time line had brought home to Remus how much his own passivity had cost him and others. He hadn't realized how much power he'd once possessed to change things and perhaps make them better, and he mourned the loss of time and opportunities to make different choices all the more for seeing exactly how much he had wasted over the course of his life.

"Your life wasn't pointless," he said, sliding his hands up Severus' arms to grasp his shoulders in return. Things looked bad now, he knew, and he wanted to offer what solace he could; perhaps they had never been friends, but he had never hated Severus, and he wanted to do everything in his power to convince Severus not to give up on life. "This night was a turning point for you in our time line, but it is a turning point in this time line as well. Come on." He tightened his grip on Severus' shoulders, determined to push him onward no matter how much he might balk. "You need to see what this night wrought."

Another disorienting spin, and when they stopped, they were in the headmaster's office, the morning sun shining with sickly, pale light through the window. It was a familiar scene, only with different players, and Remus folded his arms and tried to regard his younger self dispassionately. This was where it would all change, and he hoped Severus would see that.

Albus Dumbledore - alive and hale, although appearing pensive - sat behind his desk while Fawkes dozed on his perch nearby. Remus' younger self huddled in a chair, his face as white as chalk and the skin under his eyes appearing bruised; he was shaking with exhaustion, and although he strove to appear calm, there was terror lurking in his eyes. James and Sirius flanked either side of his chair like an honor guard, both of them looking defensive but also a little frightened, as if the enormity of what they had done was sinking in. Standing as far away from them as he could was Regulus, who was as pale as Remus, but he was furious as well, shaking with rage rather than exhaustion or fear.

"My parents will not stand for a werewolf being harbored in this school," Regulus spat. "He almost killed me, and I want him expelled!"

Severus, his face pale, moved to stand next to the desk, his eyes riveted on Albus for several long moments. There was naked pain in his eyes and perhaps a touch of betrayal as well, until Regulus spoke and Severus stiffened, turning his dark, glittering regard to his former friend. Severus' lips twitched, a tiny, almost imperceptible movement, and Remus wondered if Severus were more bitterly amused by Regulus' demand - almost identical to his own had been in this situation, albeit without the reference to his parents - or by the fact that he knew what Albus' reaction was going to be and the futility of anything Regulus might threaten. 

"Now, now, let's not be hasty," Albus said quietly, looking between Regulus and the three Gryffindors. "It seems to me that although you've all had a fright, there was no real harm done." His blue gaze fixed Sirius over the rims of his half moon glasses. "I'm very disappointed in you, Sirius. You risked not only your brother's life, but Remus' as well. It was a thoughtless, selfish act, and only James' quick thinking and brave action kept severe, irreparable damage from being done."

"What?" Regulus gasped in disbelief. "You're _disappointed_? He tried to _kill_ me. They all did! It was a set up. They were all in on it, and Potter wasn't brave. He just chickened out at the last moment! As for Sirius..." he turned his eyes to his brother, and the hatred in them seemed almost direct as a slap. "You know he wants me dead. He hates me because _I'm_ the son our parents wanted, not him! He has a reason, and he had a means in Lupin to murder me, and he used it! By rights, you should be calling in the Aurors to take the whole lot of them to prison for what they tried to do!"

"I didn't know." Remus whispered the words with his younger self, even though he knew no one would hear him save Severus, just as no one had heard his younger self. There were too many raised voices as Regulus continued to shout and James and Sirius added their retorts to the chaos.

Dumbledore let it go on for a minute or so, and when the young men showed no signs of calming down, he stood and planted his hands on his desk. "Enough!" he roared, and the three young men fell into sullen silence. "What Sirius did was wrong, but I do not think there was a conspiracy to murder you, Regulus. James claimed he had no knowledge of Sirius' plans beforehand, and we may assume Remus did not either." He glanced at young Remus for confirmation, and Remus shook his head almost imperceptibly. "He acted alone and rashly, then. In the current climate, I have no desire to expel anyone from this school if it can be avoided." He turned a level gaze on Regulus. "Will you agree to accept that the three of them will be punished for what they have done and let that be an end of it?"

"No!" Regulus spat the word out. "You have deceived all of us by letting that - that _monster_ live here among us. Who knows what else you're harboring? No, my parents will hear of this, and they'll pay - all of them!"

Remus gestured, and everyone in the room froze, and then he turned to Severus, his expression somber. "Do you wish to see how this plays out, or shall I simply tell you?"

Severus had watched the chaos with an impassive air, although Remus had noticed him glance toward him sharply when he'd whispered his disavowal. He crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "I've seen enough. Let me guess: Albus threatens and cajoles Regulus in the same fashion he did me, and all of you walk away without being punished at all." He sounded resigned, as if he were still quite certain that nothing made a difference in this case.

"No." Remus gazed at his younger self, wishing he could offer some kind of solace, one little moment of comfort in the face of what was to come. "Regulus convinced his parents to use their influence. TheMalfoys jumped on the bandwagon as well. Sirius broke with his family and moved in with the Potters, and neither he nor James were expelled, but they were punished severely. Dumbledore had no choice once public scrutiny was turned upon him. As for me..."

Without warning, he grabbed Severus' arm and whisked them away to their next destination; they arrived in a bleak stone corridor that seemed to be carved out of rock, and aDementor drifted past, occasionally turning its hooded head to peer into one of the many cells lining each side. Even though he wasn't a part of the world, Remus thought he could still feel the soul-sucking effect of the Dementor's proximity, and he shivered, unconsciously moving closer to Severus.

"Over here," he said softly, directing Severus to look into a nearby cell. He took a single fleeting glance inside, just enough to let him see his own emaciated form and glimpse the madness in his other self's eyes. "It's November in 1979. I've lasted longer than anyone thought, likely because of my curse, but in two months, I'll be dead." He delivered the words calmly and without inflection although it wrenched his heart to know the fate he might have had. "That it was you instead of Regulus who was sent to the Shrieking Shack that night saved my life," he said, glancing hesitantly up at Severus and offering a one-sided smile. "Perhaps that doesn't give you much incentive to live, but I am grateful nonetheless to have had almost thirty more years and to have died in battle, sane and free."

Severus stared into the cell, eyes hooded, for a long time, as though trying to make up his mind if the creature in the cell, its filthy body crossed with scars that weren't completely healed, could actually be the Remus Lupin standing next to him now. Then he raised his head, turning to look at Remus warily. "I never liked you," he said, his voice low and husky. "I hated what happened that night, and I blamed you for it. In all the years to follow, I held you, Potter, and Black as responsible as myself for what I had become. You should have stood up to them and done what was right, but," he made a gesture toward the cell, "you didn't deserve this. I heard what you said back in Dumbledore's office; I didn't remember hearing it at the time. You really didn't know what they planned, did you? You were as much a pawn at their hands as I."

"In this matter, yes," Remus replied, relieved and heartened that Severus hadn't said he deserved this fate. "For what it's worth, I believed James when he said he didn't know beforehand. But either way, _I_ didn't know what Sirius intended to do, and if I had, I _would_ have stopped him one way or another. I never wanted to infect another person and cause them to face the same obstacles I did, and that, at least, is one regret I don't bear. I never passed on my curse to anyone. It isn't a burden I would inflict on anyone, not even someone I hated, and I never hated you."

"Indeed." Severus seemed to ponder that, perhaps actually hearing it for the first time, despite Remus having said it before. His dark eyes seemed to burn through Remus for a moment, perhaps looking for some hint of deception, but Remus had spoken only the truth. Then Severus shrugged. "There is nothing to be done here, then, as you told me I can't change anything." He glanced back at the creature in the cell briefly. "For what it is worth, I regret this for your sake, but as you are dead and I no longer exist, I suppose it means nothing. There is still no reason for me to live, so perhaps you should go back to your afterlife and leave me to my nothingness."

"Do you really think the changes end here?" Remus smiled slightly and shook his head. "One werewolf conveniently dispatched? No, this is only the beginning. You and I have much more to see." He regarded Severus speculatively, knowing Severus might be inclined to balk, and so he decided to play one of his trump cards. "You do want to know what happened to Lily, don't you?"

Severus stiffened and frowned, his eyes narrowing. "I have the suspicion I am being set up here, and I do not care for it. But fine, we'll do it your way; seeing her happy will be easier to bear than watching her fawning over Potter."

Remus almost regretted having to take Severus to their next destination - but only almost. It would be difficult for Severus, he knew, but it was also necessary, and Remus was not without a certain amount of ruthlessness of his own. He had been charged with the task of restoring Severus Snape's will to live, and he intended to see it through, no matter what it took.

"Right, then," he said. "Let's go."

He held out his hand and waited for Severus to take it, more than ready to leave this place and his dying alter ego behind.

* * *

Severus hesitated for a moment, then gave a put upon sigh and reached out to take Lupin's warm hand once more. He wasn't used to touching people, and he'd probably touched or been touched by Lupin more in the last two hours than by anyone in the last ten years. It reminded him keenly of the isolation he'd not allowed himself to acknowledge, which was probably a good thing. He had nothing and no one to go back to, so he'd made the right decision, no matter what Lupin showed him. He needed to remember that, especially since he'd been shaken by seeing Lupin's fate in this world. But Lupin was dead, and Severus didn't see the point in wanting to live just to stop something which wouldn't matter in the end.

"Fine, let's get it over with," he muttered. In a way, he truly wanted to see Lily happy, for she was the only person who, at least for a while, had cared about _his_ happiness. That had all changed, of course, but if Potter hadn't been in the picture, they might have at least remained friends. His love for Lily had been something few people would have understood, and Albus had been the only one to know. It was a love which had had nothing of the physical about it, for Severus had learned at puberty his preferences in that regard lay in another direction entirely. If he had been a man prone to fancies, he would have said it was of the courtly type, where Lily's happiness had meant more to him than his own, and yet even there, he had failed, allowing his hatred of James Potter to spur him into lashing out at her and driving her away forever.

Preoccupied by his thoughts, he scarcely noticed when Lupin shifted them again, and when they stopped this time, they were in the middle of a quiet street, one he recognized as being not far from where he and Lily had grown up. This was a better neighborhood, but it was undoubtedly the same village, and he frowned, disappointed to learn she hadn't moved away.

He was about to voice a question when he spotted her on the sidewalk, walking toward them. She was alone, and when she drew closer, he could see there was no wedding ring on her finger.

"She was a teacher," Lupin said, his voice seeming to echo in the empty street. "She lived an entirely normal Muggle life, having convinced herself that magic doesn't really exist and the odd things that sometimes happened to and around her were coincidence or figments of her imagination. She never married."

Severus absorbed what Lupin said without really hearing it, his attention focused on Lily's face. She had always been a confident girl, but there was no evidence of that now. Instead of holding her head up, she gazed at the ground, and the sparkling smile she had always worn was gone. Even her hair looked duller, pulled back from her face in a bun instead of flowing free. She looked drab, almost lifeless, and it was a shock to see the person he'd once considered the only color in his world drained of her vitality. Her lips were pinched together, and with a jolt, he realized for the first time she looked just like Petunia, something he'd never, ever thought before.

"She's not happy," he murmured, watching as she moved past them without even seeing them. He felt a stab of remorse; no doubt the lack of magic in her life had brought her to this; he didn't fancy it was anything to do with him. "If she'd stood up to Petunia, if she'd..." Something struck him suddenly, and he whirled around, staring at Lupin. "Wait. You said _was_! Why did you refer to her in the past tense? What in the bloody hell happens to her?"

"Watch." Lupin turned, following Lily's progress as she walked down the street and away from them. "Watch and see."

An angry retort rose to Severus' lips, but it died when he heard the sound of approaching footsteps, not of an individual, but of a crowd. A group of hooded and robed people emerged from a side street, and horror rose up within Severus when he realized they were Death Eaters. They held their wands out, and it was clear they were in search of prey - and Lily was the only available target.

"No! No, no, no," Severus said, not realizing he was expressing his rejection of the scene aloud. Instinctively, he reached for his wand, which wasn't there. Not to be thwarted and completely forgetting that he couldn't affect anything, Severus began to run, screaming at the top of his lungs for them to stop, to get away from her. He ran past her and threw himself at the nearest Death Eater, who passed right through him. He flailed at the bodies around him, frustrated and horrified at his inability to _do_ anything. 

Feeling sick, Severus turned and ran back, not wanting to watch, yet unable to look away despite what he knew was coming.

Lily had stopped at the sight of the Death Eaters, her eyes widening as she covered her mouth with her hand to stifle a scream. She looked about frantically for somewhere, anywhere to hide, but the bleak, shuttered houses offered no refuge. They saw her, and with a shout, they began to run toward her.

"Take it!" she cried, flinging her purse at them, and then she whirled and fled.

"Get her!" Severus was sickened to recognize the voice as Regulus', horrified to see his former friend leading the pack.

They were toying with her, hurling hexes that tripped her up or stung her, and it was like watching a cat play with a wounded mouse. Severus silently prayed they would be satisfied with frightening and humiliating her, but Lupin's words echoed in his mind, and deep down, he knew they wouldn't be. He was scarcely aware of the moment when Lupin moved closer and rested one hand on his shoulder; he was transfixed, wanting to see someone open their door and offer her sanctuary, to see her somehow make a miraculous escape.

But then she was hoisted in the air, one shoe off and the other dangling, and they laughed at her terrified screams, and still no doors or windows opened anywhere along the street.

"If it's too much, we can go," Lupin said quietly. "You needn't stay and watch until the end."

Severus stiffened, but he didn't look away, shaking his head once, sharply, in denial. This was a more bitter irony than Lupin could possibly imagine, as Severus watched Regulus move closer to Lily. " _Crucio!_ " Regulus said, his tone almost one of a lover, and Lily convulsed sharply, her screams going from fearful to an agonized wailing. Severus knew all too well what she was experiencing, and he was helpless to stop it, but he kept watching. Perhaps it was a form of self punishment or maybe he hoped in some cosmic sense to lend her support, since he could do nothing else. It went on for a long time, curse following curse, until at last, she went silent. Regulus raised his wand, and a flash of green shot from it. The Killing Curse, ending it all at last.

"She held out longer than most Muggles," Regulus said, tucking his wand away. He turned and walked away, the others following along in his wake like a pack of faithful dogs. Lily was left on the sidewalk, crumpled up like a broken doll, cast aside now that she no longer provided any entertainment. 

Severus walked over to her body, kneeling down and reaching out to touch the red hair which was splayed out like a nimbus around her head. He couldn't feel it, but he needed the gesture, needed to feel as though he could apologize to her in some way. Not for this, which was no part of his life or doing, but for her first death, the real one, which _had_ been his fault. At least that one had been quick and clean, and if she'd had to die, at least she'd died _for_ something. This was senseless, an act of violence with no meaning beyond the evil of man, and she'd left behind her no son to carry on some part of her. Severus had always hated looking into Harry Potter's eyes, not only because they reminded him of the friend he'd lost, but because they were a constant, undeniable reminder of the way he had betrayed her and contributed to her death.

His eyes stung, but he would _not_ cry. Tears wouldn't do anything to make anything better. Nothing would.

"I'm sorry." Lupin had approached at some point and was standing behind Severus, although he didn't offer to touch Severus again. "For what happened to her here and there. I'm sorry you've had to bear the guilt all these years. I understand how it can weigh you down, but you didn't mean for her to die, and you did try to save her. You made a mistake with costly consequences. You are hardly the first or the last to do so."

"She's dead. Either way, it doesn't matter, does it?" Severus said hollowly. He turned to look at Lupin. "What happened? I want to know. Regulus never had the capacity for this kind of cruelty. Even though he joined the Death Eaters, it was obvious his heart wasn't really in it. That's why he turned against the Dark Lord and destroyed one of theHorcruxes ; he knew the Dark Lord was mad. I knew Regulus better than possibly anyone knew him." His lips twisted into a horrible parody of a smile. "At least the way it turned out the first time, I didn't have to watch her die at the hands of someone I'd been intimate with. If this entire experience is really a punishment, believe me, watching Regulus kill her is a far greater one than you can possibly imagine."

"Oh..." Lupin blinked, seeming startled by that revelation. "They didn't mention that part. I thought..." He cut himself off and waved one hand. "No matter. This isn't a punishment. You _asked_ to stop existing, remember?" He fell silent for a moment, his expression turning pensive. "As for what happened, Regulus became twisted in ways you protected him from in our time line. He wasn't a target, and he had you to keep him from falling completely under the influence of his parents and others in your House. He began to think for himself because of you, but here, he didn't have you to encourage him to be independent rather than a follower."

"Yes, I supposed I asked for it," Severus muttered darkly. Now that he had seen this, however, it brought to mind innumerable other things he'd not considered, and his damnable curiosity rose again, despite his grief at the scene they had just witnessed. His life might have meant nothing, but Lily's had, and... "Potter! What happened to the Dark Lord?" His voice was harsh. "Did Dumbledore destroy him? I always thought the old man had relied on that idiotic prophecy too much and done too little on his own. Without Harry Potter, what happened?"

"As you said, events go on, even without the people." Lupin's expression turned grim. "Let's continue, shall we? We only need to move forward about a year, and you will see what happened."

He reached for Severus' hand again, and an instant later, the dark, deserted street had vanished, and they had left the scene of gruesome violence behind. But Severus didn't recognize their surroundings this time; for the first time, Lupin had taken him somewhere he wasn't familiar with. Moreover, he found himself in a nursery with pale blue walls and a border of ducks that flapped their wings. By the window, there was a crib in which sat a dark-haired baby; Severus was no judge of children's ages, but he thought this one might be a year old or so. It was sitting up on its own and babbling happily, which even he knew meant it wasn't a newborn.

"In this time line, Peter Pettigrew was the one to overhear Sibyl Trelawney's prophecy," Lupin said, approaching the crib and smiling down at the baby even though it couldn't see him. "Only Harry wasn't born because James and Lily never met, and James married MarleneMcKinnon instead. Thus the prophecy spoke of one child born at the end of July, which was-"

"Neville bloody Longbottom!" Severus exclaimed.

He looked at the chubby little boy in the crib, seeing not this infant but the boy who had blown up cauldrons in his class, who stammered and stuttered and always seemed unable to get anything right. "We're doomed," he said, crossing his arms across his chest and giving Remus a skeptical glance.

Lupin reached out to smooth his hand over Neville's hair even though the boy couldn't feel it. "He isn't Harry," he murmured. "But he did his best."

Downstairs, a door crashed on its hinges, and Severus heard a familiar voice.

"Get Neville and run! I'll hold him off!"

There were running footsteps on the stairs, and Alice Longbottom burst into the room, her face contorted with panic and fear as she ran to the crib. The sounds of a struggle and eerie high-pitched cackling laughter from below sent shivers down Severus' spine. There was a flash of green light visible from the base of the stairs, and Alice whirled and stood in front of the crib with her arms outstretched.

Severus knew how fruitless her efforts were, and he felt a small bit of sympathy for her. Alice had been a valiant warrior, and Severus had wondered more than once how she and Frank Longbottom had produced such a son. There was nothing he could do to help her now, and he watched with an odd detachment as the Dark Lord rushed into the room, wand drawn.

"Step aside," the Dark Lord said. "I don't care about you, just the boy. You can live, but he must die."

"No!" Alice groaned, turning around to snatch Neville up from the crib, huddling over him to keep the Dark Lord away. "You can't have him! He's done nothing to you!"

"I don't care about what he's done, but what he will _try_ to do in the future," the Dark Lord snapped. He raised his wand again, and green light enveloped Alice. Neville was dropped into the crib, and he began to wail, watching with wide, horrified eyes as his mother slid to the floor and slumped against the bars of the crib. He looked up into the eyes of the Dark Lord, his lip quivering, but the Dark Lord had no pity.

Another flash of green, but this time, it rebounded and it was the Dark Lord who screamed as the energy reflected from Neville enveloped him. He seemed to shimmer in the air, and with an inhuman cry, he suddenly disintegrated in a flare of light. Everything went silent. Even Neville seeming stunned at this development before he looked around and whimpered. "Mama?"

"What now?" Severus asked, turning his gaze from the upset baby to Remus again. "Dare I assume he manages to live to make it to Hogwarts?"

"He does, yes," Remus replied without moving his gaze from Neville and Alice. "He is raised by his grandmother, and they have the same concerns that he is a Squib despite Voldemort having marked him. Augusta Longbottom keeps him in relative seclusion, so the notoriety of being the Boy Who Lived doesn't go to his head. He's too self-conscious about his slow-blooming talent to want much attention anyway."

At last, Remus looked up at Severus and moved closer to him. "He arrives at Hogwarts much as you remember him. Ron and Hermione didn't befriend him or each other, andQuirrell was possessed by Voldemort that first year. Fortunately, he was held in check by the Mirror of Erised. Without Harry there to remove the stone, Quirrell couldn't get it on his own, and Dumbledore returned in time to catch him before he could give up and flee the castle. Quirrell died. That much remained the same."

He gestured, and around them, everything shimmered and faded until the nursery disappeared, and they were left standing... nowhere. All around them was endless grey, and Severus couldn't see anything in any direction, just an endless expanse of nothingness. "Neville turned out to be aParseltongue as Harry was," Remus continued, "but he didn't investigate when he heard the basilisk in the walls, and he didn't tell anyone. He was afraid he would be thought mad, and he didn't want to draw attention to himself. As a result, Ginny Weasley died, and the school was closed for a time. It took Dumbledore, McGonagall, and several others to find the basilisk and kill it without Harry to open the Chamber of Secrets and defeat it in its lair. Then they had to defeat Tom Riddle's younger self from the diary as well."

"Doomed," Severus muttered, glancing about at their surroundings, glad to be anywhere but where they had been - being that close to the Dark Lord again was not something he liked, even if he couldn't be seen or touched. He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck wearily. "Potter was an arrogant little prat, but at least he did manage to do a few things properly. I suppose that counts for something. I don't give his father credit for any of it, but at least there was enough of Lily in the boy to make a difference."

He stared down at his feet for a moment, brooding. Again the world wasn't turning out as he had thought, but surely even Longbottom couldn't manage to bollocks things up more than Albus would be able to fix. Raising his gaze to Lupin, he inclined his head, staring at him frankly. Lupin obviously knew everything already, and somewhere along the line, Severus had accepted he was here to do as he had said. 

"Why?" he asked, stepping closer to Lupin and reaching out to clasp his arm, not wanting him to suddenly disappear. "No, I don't mean everything you showed me, but why me at all? Why you? I still don't believe my life could mean so much that whatever Power you claim is up there would give a bloody damn about me. Why would you want to help me, anyway? Why not send Regulus or Albus? I want to know what this is really about, because otherwise I have no reason to trust a thing you've show me or anything you've said."

He raised a brow in challenge and waited, wondering if Lupin would actually answer the question or if the game would be over at last.

* * *

Remus glanced down at where Severus clutched his arm, surprised by the voluntary contact, but then again, it wasn't exactly a friendly touch. Lifting his gaze to Severus' face, he studied Severus and tried to figure out how best to answer the questions.

"I don't know why the Powers That Be sent me," he said at last, not looking away. Severus was a Legilimens, after all, and if he wanted to try to test the verity of Remus' words, he could. "They came to me and offered this task to me, and I accepted. As for why they chose me rather than someone else, I don't know that either, but I suspect it was because I'm in a unique position to understand your situation. You've already seen how our lives are intertwined, but on top of that, I died with regrets, and I've had nothing but time in the afterlife to think about them and wish I had done things differently. I would give _anything_ for just one more hour of life to make amends or make a change - something to help me feel as if my life hadn't been wasted."

It was perhaps foolish to unburden himself in this way to Severus, but he supposed there was no harm in it; either Severus would go back to his life or Severus would cease to exist, but either way, Remus would return to the afterlife and wouldn't have to deal with the fallout of his humiliation if Severus mocked him. He raked one hand through his hair, a one-sided smile tugging at his lips.

"I hated the thought of you ending up in the afterlife with as many regrets as I have," he said softly. "Perhaps we have never been friends, but that doesn't mean I wish you ill. I wanted to spare you my fate. I wanted to help, and so..." He shrugged and spread his hands. "Here I am."

"Here you are," Severus repeated. His eyes glittered suddenly, and his voice dropped to a low purr. "Why, Lupin, I never knew you cared or that you felt such kinship for me. So what is it? Is your wife not putting out in the afterlife? Or perhaps you felt like taking a walk on the other side?"

Remus felt his eyes fly open wide, and he fought to keep his jaw from dropping. After dealing with Severus being either angry, defensive, or wary, having him suddenly turn intense, even flirtatious, was jarring and unexpected. But he rallied quickly, drawing himself up and responding with a calm smile. Under different circumstances, he might have said it was none of Severus' business, but he saw no reason to hold back the truth, especially if honesty would convince Severus that he meant well.

"I've always walked on the other side," he said, refusing to look away or let himself be cowed. "Tonks was not the love of my life, and unlike James and Lily, I'm not overwhelmed by the romance of having died together. Frankly, I would rather have lived to raise my son instead of leaving him to be raised by his grandmother. That is one of my regrets, as is letting myself be talked into getting married in the first place. But she and everyone else I knew were insistent, and I wanted a normal life." He released a slow, quiet sigh, bowing his head as he thought about his weakness. "Another regret is never having been truly in love. Perhaps my chance came, and I was too afraid to see it. Perhaps there wasn't anyone for me. I don't know." His voice dropped to almost a whisper. "All I know is that I lived and died alone."

Severus looked surprised, as though he hadn't expected such a confession, and for just a moment, Remus thought he saw a flash of understanding in Severus' dark eyes. 

"You are hardly the first or only man who has been talked into something you should have known better than to do," Severus replied, his voice low and haunted. "I, too, died as I had lived without anyone to notice or care. Not that I feel I ever had a chance, nor did I ever give anyone opportunity. Hate and anger has always come easily, but anything else..." His voice trailed off, and he gave a shrug, his lips twisting again. "The only person who ever loved me was my mother; to everyone else, I was a tool to be used and discarded. I don't know that I could have even trusted anyone enough to believe that they cared."

Remus felt a surge of sympathy for him, understanding all too well that Severus had lived behind walls and masks just as he had, and he no longer doubted why the Powers That Be sent him rather than someone else. He had already taken one risk in making such a confession to Severus, thus he didn't see the point in refusing to take another, and he rested his hands on Severus' shoulders, daring to caress Severus' upper arms in a comforting gesture.

"But you have a chance to find out," he said, gazing up at Severus earnestly. "You didn't die, and you can change your mind about not being born. You can go back to the bridge, turn around, and go home, and tomorrow, you can... I don't know. Pack up and move to Tahiti and find love - or at least very good sex - with a tanned, oiled man wearing a skimpy bathing suit. Or if not Tahiti, then Spain or wherever it is in the world that you want to go. That's what I have been trying to tell you, Severus. You have a _choice_ , but once you end up like me, there are no more choices and no more chances, and I don't want that to happen to you too."

It wasn't often that he was overcome by emotion; he had honed his control over the years until cracks in the mask were a rare thing, and very seldom did anyone see anything he didn't want them to, but his control was slipping, overwhelmed by the fervency of his desire - his _need_ \- to make Severus understand what a precious thing he was about to throw away. Remus could feel his eyelids prickling, and his voice cracked when he spoke again.

"Please, Severus," he pleaded, clutching Severus' shoulders. "Go back and move out of the country if you like or stay and find a job in the Muggle world. Do what you must to escape the painful memories and carve out a place in the world where you can be happy for once. Have lots of fabulous sex, fall in love, break some hearts, gorge on your favorite food, get drunk on drinks with fruit and paper umbrellas in them and do something foolish, or bury yourself in research and invent a new potion. Your life matters, so live it like it does!"

Severus went very still; he appeared to contemplate Remus' words for a brief moment, but then he shook his head, a short, mocking bark of laughter escaping his lips. "You make it sound easy, which goes to show exactly how little you understand. Why didn't _you_ do that, if it were so bloody simple? Or did you forget that I don't _have_ a home, or anything to pack, or even anything to pack it in if I did! I have no money, no magic... I've been sleeping in the Shrieking Shack, for Merlin's sake! Unfortunately, the things you suggest take resources, and all mine have been taken from me. Unless you suggest I turn to thievery, I am as poor as you were at your most destitute, with only the robes on my back to my name. The Ministry watches me. I'm not even certain they will allow me to leave the country. I have fewer rights than any werewolf, and frankly, I'm weary of fighting it. All I have left is my dignity, which is why I decided to end my life before they could take that from me as well."

"But things could change," Remus insisted. He understood Severus' despair, having felt it himself over the years, but if there was one thing life - and his very nature - had taught him was that change was inevitable. "There are people in the Order and at Hogwarts who would help you. I know it hurts your pride to ask, but surely leaning on someone for a short while until you get on your feet again is a better alternative than death or oblivion. I didn't like doing it either, but if I hadn't, I would have been homeless as well as jobless."

He released a slow sigh, falling silent as he deliberated the best way of breaking through Severus' stubbornness and making him see how important life - _his_ life - really was. As he thought, he absently trailed his hands down the length of Severus' arms and clasped his hands again, giving them a little squeeze.

"It is indeed a great burden you carry," he said at last, searching Severus' dark eyes for any faint flicker of hope. "But the wars are over, and you needn't carry it alone any longer. I know it's easier for me to say 'trust me' than for you to do it, but I promise you, Severus, there are people who will help you, and there is a chance you will find someone to love and be loved by in return. If you cast yourself into oblivion, it will be over, and there will be no going back."

"If I am in oblivion, I shall hardly care, shall I?" Severus asked huskily. He didn't pull away, although he went very still; perhaps, in his contemplation of the end of his existence, he found it comforting to experience the human contact he had lacked during his life. Yet he seemed to change his mind, for he shook his head, scowling again. "No, there is no one to help me, or they would have done so by now. I've hardly been bowled over by offers of assistance from the myriad people my life has supposedly touched. Nor will I go begging; every man has his limit, and that is mine."

He stepped back, pulling his hands from Remus' grasp and crossing his arms over his chest. "A valiant effort, Lupin, and I cannot say that you've not done your best to convince me otherwise, but I still see no reason to live and no good reason to have ever lived. From the sound of it, the afterlife is not much better, since obviously you are having to continue to exist eternally with all the pain and regrets of your life, so oblivion seems the wisest course after all."

Remus cocked his head, regarding Severus speculatively. "I don't think you fully understand how much your life matters yet," he said. "You've seen a little of how your presence affected other people and the course of history, but you haven't seen the full picture yet. I think you need to see the rest before you decide oblivion is what you really want."

He grabbed Severus' wrist again, and before Severus could protest, he whisked them away to their next destination, which turned out to be a small, bare room in one of the remote towers of Hogwarts castle. The thick wood door was locked tight, and the windows were barred; the room itself was empty save for a man sitting in the corner with his knees tucked beneath his chin. He was wearing tattered prison robes, and he looked to be half-starved and exhausted.

"Black," Severus muttered, his hands clenching into fists as he glared at his long-time enemy.

"Yes." Remus went to stand beside Sirius and knelt, regarding his old friend with compassion tinged with melancholy. Sirius' fate hadn't been much better than his or Severus' in either time line, but at least Remus knew he was happy in the afterlife with James and Lily. "It's nearing the end of the school year in 1994 - the year I would have been hired to teach Defense. But I am long dead here, and the instructor Dumbledore hired didn't sit in the same compartment as Neville on the Hogwarts Express and didn't learn what kind of effect the Dementors have on him. Neville had no one to teach him thePatronus charm, and he was never given the Marauders Map, thus no one except Sirius knew that Ron Weasley's rat was really Peter Pettigrew . Sirius came after him to exact revenge for turning to Voldemort's side and causing Sirius to be sent to prison for murders he didn't commit, but without Harry, Ron, and Hermione's help, it all went wrong."

Severus continued to frown, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive gesture. "This has nothing to do with me; even in our time, it wasPettigrew's fault. Black's problem was being an arrogant prat who thought he knew better than everyone else, and as he proved in _this_ time line, he has a decided character flaw. He sent Regulus to be bitten by you rather than me, what do you think of that? Even his death was stupid; the only solace I take in any of it is that if there is one person who did more unintentional harm in their life than I did, it's him. Why should his fate matter to me at all?"

"Because it's one more link in the chain," Remus replied, glancing up at Severus. "One more example of how intertwined all our lives were. Without Neville being given the Marauders Map and seeingPettigrew on it, no one was alerted to his presence, which was another clue of Voldemort's incipient return. A little as you may like to hear it, you gave Sirius a couple more years of life and a better death. He died fighting in our world. Here..." He trailed off, interrupted by the sound of the door opening.

Three men - Albus Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, and Walden Macnair - entered the room, followed by a Dementor, which homed in immediately on Sirius, who scrabbled to get away to no avail.

"No! Please, no! I swear I'm innocent! Pettigrew is alive!"

But Sirius' screams were soon muffled, dwindling into silence as the Dementor bent over him, and when the Dementor raised its hooded head again, Sirius' face was slack, and his eyes were empty. Remus watched, his heart twisting in his chest, and he clenched his jaw as he fought to keep his rising emotions in check.

"His body lived for several more years," he said, his voice husky and tight; he couldn't look at Severus when he spoke, knowing he would see no sympathy or compassion in Severus' expression, and he couldn't bear to see censure; no matter what Sirius had done in either time line, Remus didn't think he deserved this ignoble fate which was worse than death. No one did. "But this is the moment when he died. You spared him that, just as you spared me and Lily."

There was silence for several long moments, and then Remus heard Severus' voice.

"I hated him, he hated me, and I think all you Gryffindors are complete idiots for having worshipped him like some great, noble hero - which he most assuredly was _not_ ," Severus said. "However, I will admit that this was probably a bit more than he deserved. If nothing else, you have made me see that there are some fates worse than death, even worse than nothingness. I can think of many people who truly deserved to have this done to them, but he isn't - wasn't - one of them. Although, lest you think I've gone soft," his tone took on a note of warning, "I still think he's a prat, and given a chance, I'd hex his bollocks off."

That coaxed a startled and watery chuckle from Remus, and he took a moment to rub his eyes and clear his throat before he turned to face Severus again. "No doubt he would say the same of you," he replied, amused despite the grim surroundings. He swallowed hard, feeling raw; seeing this had been worse than seeing his own fate in some ways. He'd already had to come to terms with his own death, after all, but seeing this happen to a man who had once been his friend had been far more difficult than he imagined it would be. "At any rate, this is but one link in the chain, as I said. There are more."

Gazing at Severus somberly, he held out his hand and waited for Severus to take it.


	3. Chapter 3

Severus wondered if he ought to just put an end to this now, let Lupin go, and take his final step toward the end which awaited him. It was odd that he was more detached about his own life than Lupin seemed to be, that Lupin was fighting so hard to keep him from dying. Perhaps it was as Lupin said: after having wasted his own life and ending up unhappy, he didn't want the same fate for anyone else, even Severus Snape. Although for a moment, after they had watched Alice Longbottom's death, Severus had wondered if there was something more to it after all.

 _Ridiculous_ , he told himself sternly. All this maudlin visitation into a life which didn't include him was actually starting to affect him. He needed to keep his distance from the events, to remind himself no matter how real they seemed, they were no more real than a dream. He hesitated for a moment, remembering Lily's death with an internal shudder. 

Weren't they?

Hatred was the only emotion he was used to feeling with this intensity, but the things he had been subjected to since Lupin had pulled him back from the brink had been overwhelming, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself they were nothing more very detailed visions. He was not used to feeling so much regret or remorse, and it sat uncomfortably upon him. He couldn't help wondering if he really were making a mistake, despite the fact that when he looked at the facts objectively, he still had nothing in the world, no real reason to live. It had been naive, perhaps, to believe things wouldn't be different without him, but he wasn't certain that seeing any more would change his mind.

Yet Lupin was standing there looking at him expectantly, obviously as affected by Black's ignoble fate as Severus had been by Lily's. He could see now, in the perfect hindsight afforded by his situation, that Lupin really hadn't been the real source of his pain and anger; he'd been more neutral than anything, and Severus also understood Remus' instinct for self preservation. It had been what had sent him running to Albus Dumbledore when he'd realized the magnitude of his mistake in joining the Dark Lord, but it had also been part and parcel of his prickly exterior. People who got close could hurt him, and it was far safer to keep everyone at bay.

It was too late to shut Lupin out; he'd already seen the things Severus had hidden from the world, and from the sound of it, he knew more than Severus had even admitted to. Perhaps not everything - his surprise about Regulus had shown that - but enough that it was probably pointless pretending. If these were to be his last moments of life, he'd like to live them as himself, without the damned masks he'd had to hide behind for the whole of his life. Besides, Lupin was dead and probably didn't give a rat's arse about Severus' dignity. For once, Severus didn't care either.

Of course, taking Lupin's hand would be an admission that he wished to exist for at least a little longer, but he realized with a jolt that it was true; he did want to continue, if only until Lupin tired of trying to convince him otherwise. This would be his gift to himself, then, his last chance - or perhaps even his _first_ \- to do as he damned well pleased. Limited, of course, by the constraints of this journey they seemed to be making. He wondered what Lupin would think if Severus told him they should just say bugger all to visiting this alternate world and just sit down and play a game of chess. Or shag until they both screamed.

A snort of amusement escaped him, and he reached out and took Lupin's hand, raising a brow and smirking at the absurdity of his own inner thoughts. Perhaps that would be his method of last resort to send Lupin running back from whence he'd come - suggest that he and Lupin throw fate to the wind and spend the last bits of Severus' life together. No doubt for all his grand desire to see Severus live, he'd balk at shagging old Snivellus himself. Fine talk about walking the other side of the street from a man who was married and had a son.

"Very well, if you insist," he drawled. "On to more gloom and doom. Has anyone ever told you you're a depressing date?"

But Lupin merely gave him a calm smile, seeming to have recovered his composure, and replied, "Yes, actually. Tonks was frequently frustrated with me."

"Considering how brainless she was, it really doesn't speak well of you," Severus replied with a haughty sniff. "Where are we going now? To see how Longbottom blew up a cauldron and without me there to save his sorry arse, he managed to blow his brains out? Or maybe since James Potter didn't die, it's my fault he's turned into a thirty-stone lump who can barely walk? Perhaps there is a plague ofdoxies infesting the Ministry of Magic for which I'm to blame?"

"Well..." For the first time, a gleam of amusement appeared in Lupin's eyes. "There is _one_ good thing about you ceasing to exist. Draco misses out on having his two faithful henchmen. He has followers, of course, but they aren't the same as Crabbe and Goyle. But here, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle don't exist."

Severus blinked in surprise; of all the things Lupin _could_ have said about the positive aspects of his lack of existence, why had Lupin chose this? "What in the bloody hell are you on about?" he asked, although he wasn't quite sure he would like the answer.

"You were the one who helped their fathers in their classes, right?" Lupin asked, raising a questioning eyebrow. "Well, without you, they didn't have anyone to help them along, so they failed. Voldemort didn't want any followers who were so colossally incompetent, so they were never accepted as Death Eaters, and they weren't qualified to do much of anything. They ended up working as fitters at Madam Malkin's , but eventually, they discovered they had a flair for fashion, and they opened a clothing shop together. They were partners in business... and in life. They never married or had children here."

Severus' jaw dropped, and he stared at Lupin in disbelief. "You're making it up!" he said. "They wouldn't... they... _couldn't_! I mean... that's just..." He shuddered in revulsion. "Too bad neither of us has wands. I wish I could be Obliviated! Damn you, Lupin, do you think _that_ is one of the last images I want in my mind?"

"It could be worse," Lupin pointed out, looking positively evil. "I could have taken you to them and shown you instead of just telling you." His expression turned somber again. "But as horrifying as it may be, I think you'll prefer that image to what we're about to witness."

With that, he tightened his grip on Severus' hand, and the next thing Severus knew, they had traveled again, and when the disorientation passed, he looked around, shuddering when he saw they were in a graveyard. Off to one side, Pettigrew huddled by a huge cauldron, cradling his arm against his chest, and suddenly, Severus knew when and where they were. He turned his head, expecting to see a circle of hooded figures - and there they were, the Dark Lord's faithful summoned by the renewed Marks on their arms. Now they surrounded him while he threw his head back and laughed, celebrating his triumphant return to corporeal form.

Severus recognized most of the figures, hoods and masks aside, although he knew he was not among them, and the fact that he couldn't spot Crabbe and Goyle senior lent credibility to Lupin's tale of their alternate future. He moved closer, and through a gap in the circle, he saw Neville Longbottom bound to a tall gravestone, wide-eyed and pale with terror.

"Cedric was killed," Lupin said quietly, moving to stand close behind him. "That much hasn't changed, but it was Neville's blood used to return Voldemort to human form."

"Then perhaps the Dark Lord will blow up the cauldron," Severus muttered, scowling darkly at the assembled figures. "This summons was one I ignored, and it cost me greatly. In pain and in having to kiss his feet when I went groveling back to him on Albus' orders. I paid a higher price for the Dark Lord's defeat than any of you could ever know. While Black was sitting around Grimmauld Place feeling sorry for his own wretched arse, I had to go back and risk my life again and again, so that Albus would know what the Dark Lord's plans were. Potter kept flailing about, wreaking havoc and disobeying orders, while I did everything Albus told me to do. And in the end, that miserable boy is a hero, and I'm nothing, not even important enough to put to death. Potter didn't even kill the Dark Lord in the end. The idiot did himself in with yet another rebounded spell!"

One by one, the figures spoke, proclaiming their loyalty in their Lord, and Severus turned to each voice. Lucius, with his toadying ways; MacNair, who had brought the Dementor to Black in this time line; and Regulus, still alive and apparently still loyal, which cut Severus to the quick.

"Fool, oh, Regulus, you fool," he spat, glaring at the sight of his former friend and lover toadying to the Dark Lord once more. "I might even have been able to forgive him Lily's death, if he'd turned to Albus as I had and made amends."

"He doesn't." Lupin's expression was as blank a mask as any of those worn by the Death Eaters before them. "This Regulus knows nothing of love, and he has nothing and no one to inspire him to be anything more than this," he said, gesturing to Regulus as he knelt at Voldemort's feet. "There is no one who takes your place here. You felt the Dark Mark burn on your arm, and you warned Dumbledore. Here, Dumbledore had no one to warn him, and the Order will be ill-prepared for what is to come. He has no spy among the Death Eaters to provide valuable information, and with me dead, he has no one to infiltrate the werewolves either."

With their supplications finished, the Death Eaters moved away, and the Dark Lord approached the gravestone where Neville was bound; with a casual flick of his wand, he released Neville's bonds, and Neville fell to his knees, trembling.

"Rise, boy," the Dark Lord demanded, and somehow, Neville managed to struggle to his feet; Neville cast about for any opening for escape, but he was surrounded, and there was no mercy to be seen in the eyes of any of those regarding him. He was wandless and helpless, and he shrank against the gravestone, knowledge of his own fate clear to read in his eyes. "Were you a more worthy opponent, I would offer you the opportunity to duel me, but even that game would not be much sport. I have lost many years, and I will waste no more time on you now that you have served your purpose. _Avada Kedavra_!"

And just like that, Neville Longbottom was dead, a broken, crumpled heap on the ground.

Lupin waved his hand, and the world froze, and he moved to stand beside Neville's body, gazing down at it in sorrow. "Without Harry, he had no role model to aspire to. Without us..." Lupin glanced back at Severus searchingly. "I didn't orchestrate the boggart incident to humiliate you. I was trying to help Neville gain some confidence in his own abilities. He was able to conquer his greatest fear and prove to himself that he had the power and strength to do so. It was a turning point for him, but without either of us there, he remained hindered by self-doubt, and he had none of Harry's experiences to prepare him for this. He had no hope of surviving this confrontation. It will be days before he and Cedric are found, and by then, it will already be too late."

Another wave of Lupin's hand, and time started up again, and the sound of the Dark Lord's high-pitched laughter rang out, growing louder and louder until it seemed to fill the night air, and Severus was barely able to hear Lupin's quietly spoken words.

"This is the night when the world goes to Hell."

Severus looked at Neville's body, then at the Dark Lord, then finally back to Lupin. He was troubled, despite his own prediction of doom when he'd found out that Neville had taken Harry's place in the Prophecy. There hadn't even been token resistance, and he of all people knew just how valuable his own intelligence had been in the Dark Lord's defeat, whether Potter or the Ministry cared to acknowledge it or not. 

"Albus, it all comes down to Albus," Severus said. "He defeated Grindelwald by himself, surely he can take on the Dark Lord! He's one of the most powerful wizards alive, and I always thought he set far too much store by that blasted Prophecy, which seemed like a self-fulfilling piece of tripe if ever I heard one! He might be old, but the man is clever when he allows himself to be. He does fight this, doesn't he?" He heard the pleading tone of his own voice, but he couldn't seem to help it; for things to have gone this far down without him was unthinkable.

"He tries," Lupin replied. "The diary has already been destroyed, of course, and Voldemort has destroyed the one he inadvertently created in Neville himself, but there are still the others. But he is old and fallible, and he has neither you nor Harry to help him this time."

"I can't believe that Albus would fail when push came to shove! He would never let this... this _poseur_ ," Severus gestured derisively at the Dark Lord, "defeat him! He had no one when he defeated Grindelwald, and he's a more powerful now than he was then!"

He didn't want to know... he didn't want to see. "Show me," Severus said harshly. 

Without a word, Lupin clasped his hand and took him away from the graveyard, and when they came to their next destination, Severus was filled with sick dread at the sight of his surroundings. He had avoided the Astronomy Tower during his tenure as headmaster, not wanting to revisit the scene of the one death that haunted him most, but he was here now, and he somehow doubted this time line's version of events were going to end in a happier fashion. The only mercy, he supposed, was that he was not to be the murder weapon this time.

Near the ledge stood Albus Dumbledore, alive but not well. His skin was parchment white, and his eyes were sunken, dark circles like bruises staining his papery skin. Instead of standing tall and proud, he was hunched, and his breathing was labored.

"You weren't here to slow down the progress of the curse that withered his hand," Lupin said. "He deteriorated more quickly, and he suffered lapses of judgment. He could see the world was falling apart around him, and he felt helpless to stop it. He found the ring and destroyed it as he did in our time line, but he had no one to accompany him to find the locket. He never even got close to the remaining horcruxes."

Severus listened, but with half an ear, his attention captured by the sight of Draco advancing, wand drawn. This was not the uncertain boy Severus had seen that night; this young man was full of purpose, and Severus could tell _he_ would not hesitate the way his counterpart had done.

"No, this can't be happening," he muttered, as though denying it aloud would make any difference. He could tell this Draco bore about as much resemblance to the boy of his world which the Regulus here did to his counterpart. They had both been warped and twisted by the evil influence of the Dark Lord, their souls mired in the darkness which Severus had escaped and managed to keep their counterparts from falling into.

From the stairs came the sound of hurried footsteps, and as Draco maneuvered Albus toward the edge of the tower, Fenrir Greyback and three other Death Eaters burst through the door, wands raised as they faced the man who had once been the most powerful wizard in the world.

"You're pathetic," Draco was saying, his lips twisted into a sneer that was the mirror image of his father's. In Severus' world, Potter had been here, too, under that damned invisibility cloak; even if Potter hadn't saved Albus from the death at Severus' hands, at least Albus hadn't been alone, surrounded by enemies, with no friend to bear witness to his demise.

"Just hurry up and do it, boy. We haven't got all night!" Greyback snarled.

Draco turned to glare at the werewolf, and it was obvious he wasn't intimated by Greyback at all. "Shut up! I'll do this _my_ way! It's my gift from Our Lord, and I want to savor it!"

"Draco, _please_ ," Albus said, and Severus stiffened at those familiar words. Only the words themselves were the same, however - the meaning was quite different. The Albus Dumbledore Severus had killed had been begging Severus to do it, to kill him and thereby not only release him from the slow death he was enduring, but also to cement Severus' own place in the Dark Lord's service. This time, there was a note of true pleading in Albus' words, for he was obviously imploring Draco not to kill him, to turn aside from the darkness of this path.

Unfortunately, there was no more mercy in Draco than there had been in Regulus; Draco smiled, a nasty expression which chilled Severus to the bone. "Please, what?" he drawled. "'Please, Draco, don't kill me! I'm the most powerful wizard in the world, the one who killed Grindelwald, but I'm frightened of you'."

"Please, don't do this," Albus said, fighting for breath as he backed toward the crenellations of the tower. "Please stop and do what's right. Don't believe what Tom Riddle says... he lies! Everything he's told you is a lie."

Draco snarled, the tip of his wand quivering. "And who's told me the truth? You, old man? You and your mudblood loving staff, letting people into Hogwarts who don't deserve to be here! You're a weak fool! The world is changing, and the Dark Lord is the one changing it! If you were smart, you would be bowing at his feet and begging him to find a place for you as his court jester. That's all you're good for now. Associating with the impure has made you soft. This is a fight for our survival, and you would roll over and let them kill us all!"

"No!" Albus staggered back against the stones, shaking his head, true horror and grief written on his face. "Please, it doesn't have to be like this! Just think..."

"I already have, and I _think_ it's time to end this once and for all," Draco said, his voice a nasty parody of sympathy. He lifted his wand again, and his next words were said with obvious relish. " _Avada Kedavra_!"

Dumbledore stiffened as the green light from Draco's wand slammed into him, knocking him back over the edge of the tower. Draco and the others ran to the edge, watching as Albus' body tumbled toward the ground. There was a sickening thud as it landed; Draco and the others were laughing and clapping, as though they had just watched an entertainer perform a particularly amusing trick.

"I'll have to put that in a Pensieve and watch it over and over again," Draco said, smiling with satisfaction. "Come on, let's go! Who wants dibs on McGonagall? I want Hagrid for myself. That beast is going to scream before he dies!"

They all hurried toward the stairs, their laughter polluting the night air, turning it foul and bitter. Severus watched silently; he had been unable to move during the entire episode, concentrating all his will on trying to wish the situation different, but it hadn't worked. He was as powerless in this situation as he had been in all the others, the fate of those he cared about sealed, leaving him as a helpless observer to their doom.

"What happens?" he asked. He turned wide, horrified eyes to Lupin, drawing in a trembling breath. "Who's left to fight? The Weasleys? Kingsley? Tonks? Surely Minerva would do something..."

"Minerva tried to rally the Order," Lupin replied, his tone matter-of-fact as if he were reciting facts from a history book, but the bleakness in his eyes showed Severus that he was not as unaffected by the scene as he seemed. "But they were few in number, and they didn't know where to find the horcruxes . Dumbledore had confided in Minerva about his search for them, but she didn't know enough to continue the hunt. Voldemort killed Draco for the Elder Wand shortly after this, just as he killed you for it in our time line. Then he set about taking over the Wizarding world." Lupin's expression hardened. "But that wasn't enough for him. Lucius Malfoy had risen in Voldemort's favor several years ago thanks to Ginny Weasley's death, and he was appointed the Minister of Magic while Voldemort sought to become the prime minister, establishing his rule over the Muggle world and the Wizarding world."

"He _what_?" Severus staggered, stunned by Lupin's words. "He went after the Muggle world as well? Ours wasn't enough? Oh no, no, no, no..." Severus couldn't believe anyone, even the Dark Lord, would be that greedy and foolish. The Wizarding World existed in secret, and for the Dark Lord to be out among the Muggles, _campaigning_ , was just too terrible a thought for him to wrap his mind around. He turned to Lupin, gripping his upper arms, nearly on the verge of panic. 

"What did he do?" he asked, searching Lupin's face with frantic eyes. "What in Merlin's name did he do?"

Without a word, Lupin grasped Severus' arms in return, and Severus found himself whisked away from the Astronomy Tower, away from the sounds of fighting in the distance as the Death Eaters swarmed through the castle. When they stopped, Lupin tugged one arm free and made a sweeping gesture to encompass something behind Severus.

"This," Lupin said simply.

Sick with dread, Severus turned, feeling as if he were moving in slow motion. What he saw was so horrific - so _wrong_ \- that he could scarcely believe what he was seeing.

Hogwarts was in flames. The castle was surrounded by hundreds of people dressed for combat in helmets and flak jackets - Muggle soldiers, he presumed - and they were systematically destroying the castle with weapons he didn't even have a name for. In the distance, he could hear ear-shattering shrieks that could only come from mer -people, and when he looked to the lake, he saw them being dragged out of the water and slaughtered, their bodies lining the shore. The giant squid was fighting to protect them, but the Muggles were attacking it as well, and as Severus watched, its bloodied tentacles sank beneath the choppy surface and reappeared no more.

There were people in the castle; he could see the light of curses being hurled from windows and over parapets, but nothing was enough to stop the flood of soldiers advancing. A mad howl made Severus whirl just in time to see Barty Crouch the younger - alive and not the victim of aDementor's Kiss - racing out of the castle, wild-eyed and screaming. He hurled curse after curse, not seeming to care who he hit or to be aiming at any particular target, but his flight was cut short, and Severus watched as he was knocked off his feet and flung backwards by a spray of bullets. His body twitched and went still, and the soldiers continued their relentless advance.

"The fool... the stupid, power-mad, short-sighted fool!" Severus whispered. How could the Dark Lord not have realized that the only thing which protected the Wizarding World from the Muggles was the fact that they remained hidden, their secrets protected by spells and wizards who Obliviated those accidentally exposed? Wizards were tough and powerful, but the simple mathematics of the situation were obvious to everyone, even the most innocent first year student at Hogwarts. There were far more Muggles than Wizards, and if it ever came to a war between the two, no amount of magic could ever hope to compete with the sheer numbers of the enemies who would be arrayed against them.

At this point, the Dark Lord no longer mattered; neither did Lucius, or Regulus, or Greyback, if any of them even still lived. If the Dark Lord survived, it would only be by going into hiding once more. There was simply no way he could hope to win against so many, not with the weapons and the mad paranoia of the Muggles. Severus knew this was not really a war, but a slaughter; there would be death and destruction on both sides, but in the end, there could be only one outcome.

Severus watched the flames engulfing the school like some hellish bonfire, crawling up the ancient stones with no regard for the millenia it had stood or the thousands of wizards who had learned their craft with its walls. The screams of the House Elves rose over the roaring of the flames even at this distance, while Thestrals thrashed in the sky, diving to attack the soldiers. The skeletal horses were not invisible to these men, who had likely witnessed more death than any Wizard. Streaks of light shot from the ground into the sky, and the winged horses cried out their pain as they spiraled to the earth. From the Forbidden Forest came the sound of yet more gunfire, where no doubt the unicorns, the centaurs, and the acromantulae were meeting a similar fate. 

There were no words, no thoughts dark enough for this madness. Even in his most terrible nightmares, Severus had never imagined anything like this, had never thought one man, even Albus Dumbledore or the Dark Lord, could have either stopped or started something of this magnitude. As the flames finally engulfed the school completely and the roof caved in over the Great Hall with a roar like that of a dying creature, Severus felt his heart twist and shatter within his chest. It couldn't come to this - it _shouldn't_ be like this, not now, not ever. All the things he had endured, the pain he had felt, the horrors he had suffered at the hands of others were petty and inconsequential in the face of this. There were bad things in the Wizarding World, evil things, and no single wizard was perfect; but there were a great many good, wonderful things as well, wonder and beauty and unique things which deserved to survive forever. It was humbling to know that his own pitiful fate, which had seemed so small in the grand scheme of things, had a part to play in preventing this from happening. Not he alone, of course, but his life, and the lives he touched, and the lives _those_ touched. One life could make a difference, it seemed; the fact that the life was his was simply beyond imagining.

"I can't let this happen," he said, turning at last to Lupin. Behind him, he heard a mighty crash, the ground shaking as the tanks slammed into the Astronomy Tower, and it toppled to the ground. He tilted his chin up, his purpose hardening within him. "You know I can't let it happen, not because of me. Even oblivion would not be enough to erase this, and it certainly wouldn't make it right. I suppose I can find a reason to go on, if I look hard enough; if nothing else, knowing that any pain I might suffer serves to keep this or something like it, from happening..." His voice trailed off, and he shrugged. "Fine. You win, Lupin. I want to go back. Not for me, so much... but for Albus and Lily and Regulus and Draco." His lips twisted into something that was almost a smile. "And I suppose even for you, although I draw the line at taking any credit for inflicting Black on the world for even so much as a single day longer."

Lupin chuckled quietly, and the pleased smile he bestowed on Severus was oddly warming. "I'm glad you understand now, Severus. All lives are part of a tapestry. Remove one thread, and the picture changes." He looked once more at the destruction before them. "Or unravels altogether." Drawing in a deep breath, he released it slowly, his smile widening, and he reached for Severus' hand. "I'm ready to leave this place if you are."

"Leave and never, _ever_ return," Severus said vehemently, taking Lupin's hand with no reservations. He darted another quick glance at the remnants of the castle, fixing it in his mind; it might be the only thing he had from now on to comfort him through hard times. It would be enough.

With a nod, Lupin gave his hand a squeeze, and with one last disorienting shift, they departed the hellish scene, putting the nightmare far behind them. In a blink, Severus found himself back on the bridge where their journey had begun, and he looked around, but it seemed nothing had changed. The moon still hung in the sky, and the wind was still bitterly cold, only he could feel it again, letting him know he had returned to the world - the _real_ world where Hogwarts still stood and Potter still lived and the fate of the world didn't hinge on Longbottom's shoulders.

Still, it was best to make certain, and Severus felt in the pocket of his robe, suppressing a sigh of relief as he pulled out Fawkes' feather. The red-gold plumage gleamed in the moonlight as it warmed his hand, and Severus nodded in satisfaction; all was right - well, as right as it could be, he supposed - with the world, if not with him, and for the moment, that would do.

He turned to face Lupin. It had only been a scant few hours by his own reckoning since Lupin had pulled him back from death, and yet somehow it seemed almost like a lifetime as well. Perhaps it was reliving the vast majority of his own life in so short a time that made it seem much longer than it had been, but now that it was over,Severus suddenly felt a pang. He wasn't certain whether it was remorse or regret, knowing that now that Lupin's task was finished, it would all be over, and he would go back to being alone. He'd never realized just how solitary his existence had become since Albus' death, but this time spent with Lupin had brought the fact home to him sharply.

Now it was at an end, and Severus found that he didn't want really want Lupin to go.

"So, that's it?" he asked slowly. "I go back to what's left of my life, and you go back to... wherever."

"I'm afraid so, yes," Lupin replied, his smile turning wry and a little wistful. "This was for you, Severus, not me. I'm just the messenger. For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision, and I don't mean simply because your existence keeps the Wizarding world from falling. I mean because as difficult as it has been, your life has meant something, and you've still got time ahead of you to make changes that will ensure the rest of it will be far better."

"Yes," Severus replied, although at the moment, he didn't want to think of what was still ahead of him, because it was still too formless and vague. For a man of such a large and varied vocabulary, words of gratitude were difficult for him, but he couldn't simply let Lupin go off without _something_. He looked down at the feather in his hand, and a thought shaped itself in his mind. Before he could think about the wisdom of it, he thrust the feather into Lupin's hand, still warm and corporeal. "Here. Take this. You deserve something for having to witness the horrors you took me through. It's not much, but it is, literally, all I have right now." He shrugged. "Perhaps it will be enough to keep you warm when you look at that harridan you married and get a cold chill."

Lupin stared down at the feather as if he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing, and he opened his mouth as if to speak, but no words came out. For once, it seemed, Severus had managed to ruffle the infuriatingly unflappable werewolf, which was something of a little triumph of its own. Too bad he couldn't brag of it, but if he did, no doubt he would be carted off to the madhouse.

When Lupin looked up again, his smile was soft, and if Severus didn't know better, he might have called it tender. "Thank you," he murmured. "I--" He broke off, searching Severus' face intently for a moment, his expression oddly intense for such a usually placid man - and then Severus suddenly felt Lupin's warm hands framing his face, the feather tickling one cheek, and he found himself being drawn down into a kiss.

Lupin's lips were as warm as his hands, and after his first moment of shock at realizing that Lupin was kissing him, Severus decided what the hell; no one had kissed him in a very long time, and he _was_ grateful for what Lupin had done. His opinion of the man himself had also changed radically over the last few hours, and it wasn't as though anyone, even Lupin, would be around to mock him for giving in to a moment of weakness. 

Lifting his hands, he slid them around Lupin's shoulders, pulling him closer and returning the kiss, keeping it slow and sensual. He didn't feel the cold wind around them, just Lupin's surprisingly warm body against his, and he realized there were things beyond companionship that he also missed.

Lupin slid one hand into his hair, finger-combing it gently, and he deepened the kiss, coaxing Severus' lips apart with his tongue, and Severus let him; someone moaned, and he wasn't certain if it was Lupin or himself, but he didn't really care. Lupin explored at his leisure, seeming to take pleasure in acquainting himself with every inch of Severus' mouth until Severus felt glutted with kisses - an unfamiliar but welcome feeling.

It went on for a long time, but finally, they had to part, and Severus looked down into Lupin's eyes somberly. He wasn't quite certain what to say, so he fell back on the time honored dry wit. "Well, I suppose that will have to do you for the next hundred years or so," he said, raising a brow at Lupin. "I trust, however, you won't mention this to Black, or else I think I shall become an expert at exorcism just so that I can hex you beyond the grave. Or perhaps necromancy... bringing you back just to kill you again might be an appropriate punishment."

Lupin chuckled warmly and shook his head. "As long as you wait a very long time to show up in the afterlife and chastise me yourself, I'll be satisfied." He reached up and cupped Severus' cheek again, stroking it with his thumb. "I hope you go out and live. Find yourself a lover and shag until neither of you can walk straight. You are a desirable man, Severus, and you needn't be alone if you don't want to be."

"Hmph." If Severus had needed proof that Lupin was still daft - or really _did_ walk the other side of the street upon occasion - that comment provided it. "I shall be happy enough to find a job, a place to live, and perhaps a wand. Anything else is of little consequence at the moment." 

Which wasn't entirely true, given how his body was responding to Lupin, but in the long run, that didn't matter; it _couldn't_ matter, because if he ever saw Lupin again, it would be after he was dead. But he had years to worry about it, after he'd taken care of the necessities.

He was reluctant to break the embrace, perfectly content to stand there for the rest of the night. For forever, even, if it came to that. Severus stared down into Lupin's eyes, not knowing what to say, but feeling the need to say _something_. "Remus, I..."

"Severus! Severus Snape! There you are! For Merlin's sake, are you trying to catch your death, standing out here in the cold? I'm too old to go chasing after you in the middle of a storm!"

A familiar, scolding voice caused Severus to straighten in surprise, and he instinctively released Remus and stepped back, turning to see Minerva McGonagall walking toward them. She clutched her tartan witch's hat to her head and frowned at him. "Were you talking to someone?"

"I was just out for a walk," Severus replied. Not doubt she couldn't see Lupin, and Severus shrugged nonchalantly, brushing snow from his robes. He used the motion to look over his shoulder at Lupin, sighing slightly.

"Thank you, Severus." Remus' voice was fainter as if it was coming from a distance, and his form seemed more indistinct, already fading around the edges. "This is one thing I have no regrets about." He smiled - a real smile that reached his eyes and dispelled the calm mask - and waved as he faded from sight completely.

Severus bit back a moan of loss; he wasn't ready for Lupin to go, and now he was gone. Severus stared into the empty space where he had been, feeling hollow and bleak, but it was different than it had been before. This was a fresher sense of loss with less bitterness to it and more of melancholy. Yet he had hope, too, of a sort, and he now knew that his life did have meaning, even if no one else did.

"Thank you, Remus," he murmured. The words weren't adequate, but they would have to do.

"Did you say something?" Minerva asked, and Severus turned to face her, raising a brow.

"No, of course not," he replied, crossing his arms over his body to retain the memory of Lupin's warmth. "Why were you looking for me, anyway?"

"I just got a Floo call from the Ministry. The Wizengamot took their sweet time, but you do have people who believe in you, as hard as that might be to believe," Minerva replied tartly, but her smile was kind. "They were wrapping up their session before the Christmas holidays begin, and Griselda Marchbanks pushed the matter of your pardon, refusing to allow them to leave until they'd come around to the decision she wanted."

"She did?" Severus was surprised at that news. The elderly witch had been a friend of Albus', and he wondered if perhaps Albus had anticipated the necessity for arranging an ally for Severus on the court. "And?"

"And she's a determined old... woman," Minerva said, giving a small chuckle. "But the upshot of it is that they did vote, and it was in your favor." Her expression softened, and Severus saw with some surprise the affection in her blue eyes. "Your wand is to be restored, and your house, and you can have a job again. I know I haven't been as much help to you as I should have been, but with Hogwarts in its damaged state, I've had my hands full, and I thought you would come to me if you needed anything..."

Severus snorted at that, but any miscommunications didn't seem to matter. Lupin had been right: there were apparently more reasons to live than he'd thought and more people who cared about him, too. "Thank you, Minerva," he said, inclining his head in gratitude. "I appreciate you coming all the way out here to find me and give me the news." _Even if you did interrupt the last few moments with Lupin. I suppose I can forgive you for that, in time._

"Pish," the elderly witch replied, waving a hand dismissively. "You deserved to know, and I wanted to be the one to tell you. Thank heaven someone saw you walking out this way, though, or else I'd never have found you. More than one accident has happened on this bridge, you know; people have slipped off it and never been seen again."

"Do tell," Severus responded dryly.

"Well, there is something else I wanted to ask, now that you've been restored," Minerva said. "I am not satisfied with the Potions Master we have teaching at the school this year, and so I'm looking to replace him. Unfortunately, that won't be until the next school year, I'm afraid, because of the contract, but if you would consider it, I'd like you to return to the position. And as Head of Slytherin, as well... there has been a great deal of suffering for those children, and you understand them better than anyone else."

 _Indeed I do_ , Severus thought. To return to Hogwarts from whence he'd been banished and which he'd witnessed destroyed in an alternate world... yes, surprisingly, he wanted to do it. With Albus gone, _someone_ needed to keep an eye on things and make certain that what happened before didn't happen again. Perhaps that was the purpose he needed; having seen just how bad it _could_ be, he was motivated to make certain things were different. Very different.

"Thank you, I accept," he said, nodding. "September will be acceptable, since I think I'd like to do a bit of traveling. Someone told me I should go shag tanned men and drink those ridiculous beverages with umbrellas in them."

Minerva's eyes widened. "Someone told you _that_?" she asked, obviously taken aback. "And you let them live?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes," Severus replied, his lips twitching. "More than that, I think I'll actually do it. We only live once, after all. I suppose it might actually be enjoyable to do it for once."

"Oh." Minerva blinked, and he could see from her expression that she was wondering if the cold had numbed his brain, but finally, she shrugged. "All right, I suppose. It _is_ your life. Just be back by September. Have a happy Christmas, Severus."

"I will," he said, thinking that it might be a happy Christmas after all. "And you."

She nodded. "Are you headed back into town? If you'd like, I'll buy you a drink at the Three Broomsticks to celebrate."

"Thank you, but not tonight," Severus said. "You go on. I'm going to stay out here for a while longer."

"Very well, then. Good night," she said, and then she turned away and began the trek back toward Hogsmeade. 

Severus watched her until she was gone from sight, and then he moved back to the bridge railing, leaning again the cold wood and staring down into the emptiness below. He would have a drink to celebrate, but that would be tomorrow, after he'd gotten back his wand, and then went to find where they'd buried Lupin. No doubt he was in some mausoleum with Tonks by his side, but Severus would just have to deal with it, and so, in a manner of speaking, would she, for he fully intended to share that first drink with no one else, not even Minerva. If there were a toast to be made, he knew who really deserved it.

"Thank you," he said softly to the nothingness. "And if those Powers of yours have any sense, they'll give you the bloody wings anyway."

With that he turned away and started back toward town himself, his heart lighter than it had been in years, his longest night over at last.


	4. Chapter 4

A year can make a rather large difference in many things, and for Severus Snape, it was no different.  
  
Precisely twelve months after Lupin had come to him in his most desperate time of despair, Severus again walked toward the bridge where he'd thought to take his life on the longest night of the year. The weather was quite different this time around; an unexpected warm spell had come to Scotland, and the temperature had crept above freezing, causing the icicles on the eaves of the castle to melt and the piles of snow to dwindle away. The sunshine had been bright and warm that day despite its brevity, and although there were only a few children left in the castle over the holidays, they had run outside, laughing and flinging slushy and messy snowballs at each other, laughing at the wet splats they made on impact.  
  
After sunset, the sky had remained clear, and even though it had fallen back below freezing, there was no wind at all; everything was still, and overhead, the stars looked like bright sparks in the sky, shining down with crystalline light on the cooling earth below. There was even a brilliant sliver of moon, only a few days past new, the horns tipped up as if it were smiling. Which was nonsense, Severus knew, and he snorted at himself for such a ridiculous, sentimental thought.  
  
The road out to the bridge was still pitted, but it was free of snow and even dry despite the melt off, so Severus had no problem making his way along it toward his destination. He could hear the water already, flowing swiftly along the riverbed, the melt-off adding to the volume of gurgling and sloshing. The bridge was clear of ice and snow as well, and Severus crossed to the railing, to the exact spot he'd stood at a year before, resting his hands on the railing as he stared down toward the river.  
  
Beneath his palms, the wood was cool but not cold yet, and below it, he could see the river, see the dance and play of the moonlight on the water as it coursed swiftly along. It didn't appear as a long drop off to nothing now; it seemed solid and real and hauntingly beautiful, the remaining snow on the riverbank glowing softly, the bare branched trees standing out against it like dark sentinels. It was a beauty Severus would never have been able to witness if it had not been for Remus Lupin, as he would not have been able to experience the things he had in the last year.  
  
After leaving the bridge that night, Severus had returned to Hogsmeade, where Rosmerta had given him a room at his request. She had even smiled at him, asking why he'd not come around before, that he would have been welcome. It had been a surprise to discover that she had sympathy for him, but then he hadn't talked to her during the months of his solitude, avoiding everyone he knew, sleeping in the woods in warm weather and taking refuge in caves or abandoned buildings once it turned cold. He might have been sleeping in a warm bed that whole time if he had gotten past his pride enough to ask, and he wouldn't have had to take food from Aberforth at the Hogshead, which he refused to do except when driven to it by desperate hunger.  
  
The next day, he had gone to the Ministry, courtesy of the Three Broomsticks Floo, and had been restored his wand, his house, and his possessions. At the Ministry, they weren't quite as welcoming as Rosmerta had been, but it hardly mattered to Severus any longer. He had been pardoned, and moreover, he had actual proof of what his life was worth; it made sneers and whispered comments much easier to bear.  
  
He'd wasted no time selling his house, getting an astonishing amount of money for a place he'd considered old and dingy, but there was revitalization going on in the neighborhood, which was mixed Muggle and Wizard, and the agent had been eager to show the property, telling him not to bother fixing it up or even cleaning it up; apparently for the "fixer-uppers" who were looking to buy and remodel a place, the more decrepit it was, the better.  
  
The money from the house, added to his confiscated Gringott's account, made a rather impressive sum. He was also surprised to learn that he'd been remembered in Albus' will, a fact withheld from him previously. There was a tidy sum from that, which Severus hardened himself into believing was _not_ blood money. These were the funds he decided to use for travel, putting aside the rest of his savings for eventual retirement or perhaps even a new house.  
  
Most importantly, however, Albus had left him books, his own personal library, which was extensive and extremely valuable. Severus had resisted the temptation to simply bury himself in the printed word for the next nine months, realizing how much he had missed reading during what he had come to think of as his "time in Canaan", wandering through the wilderness of his own despair. He penned a letter to Griselda Marchbanks , thanking her for her efforts on his behalf, and then he had put Albus' books and the majority of his other personal effects in storage before buying a Portkey to Greece and leaving without another thought.  
  
Lupin had told him to go out and have fun, to travel, to find bronzed young lovers and drink and celebrate life. Travel he did, visiting the places he'd always longed to go but never had, and what he had found had surprised him. Away from his past, where Severus Snape was just another tourist, people were friendly and welcoming. If he resisted the urge to snarl and snap and was courteous instead, people would talk to him, and he met many people, both Muggle and Wizard; he was even invited into homes for meals and conversation. He went to the beach , in both Spain and Greece, baring his sallow skin to the sun and finding, somewhat to his surprise, that it tanned a rather pleasant tone of gold.  
  
He had those ridiculous umbrella drinks as well, and he danced in a club in Madrid, where his looks were rather unremarkable for once. So much of his life had been shaped by other's opinions of him, and he found that as he was exposed to people who accepted him and some who even liked him, his opinion of himself rose as well, and he was able to relax his guard enough to make new friends in several different countries.  
  
The only thing he didn't do was find love or even a lover. Not for lack of opportunity, either; he'd had several discreet offers from both men and women, and one rather ardent young man named Rodrigo whom he had met on a beach in Malaga seemed intent on wooing him. Severus had been flattered, but he hadn't been able to return Rodrigo's interest. It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to the young man or that he was afraid of entanglements as he had once been, but every time he looked into Rodrigo's dark eyes, he was struck by who the young man _wasn't_ , and it wouldn't have seemed right to become intimate with him or with anyone else. It wasn't that he thought casual sex was wrong, and he'd once indulged in it as a young man without much thought. But he was no longer _that_ man, either, and the thought of physical pleasure purely for its own sake, without a connection, just didn't appeal to him any longer.  
  
The truth was he was longing for something that was impossible, for _someone_ who was impossible, because he was dead. There was no guarantee that Lupin would even have welcomed his interest if he _had_ been alive, but it was a moot point anyway. And so Severus enjoyed himself, but not too much, and in August, he packed up his souvenirs and took himself back to England.  
  
Minerva welcomed him with relief, and he settled back into his same quarters at Hogwarts, retrieving his belongings from storage and setting up residency in familiar surroundings. The staff welcomed him back, both the older, surviving members from his previous tenure and younger new people who had been added to fill vacancies left by the casualties of war. There were a few uncomfortable moments, to be sure, but Severus himself put forth the effort to seek people out and talk to them, and it made a rather large difference in the way people perceived him.  
  
Same job, same quarters, same place, but a different man within it. Oh, he still had a temper, and he'd given a first year Ravenclaw a chewing out which had left the boy in tears for mixing up dangerous ingredients in his cauldron, and the Slytherins knew that he would stand for absolutely no nonsense in their House. His detentions were still dreaded, and he took House points with as much glee as ever, although he was rather more even handed about it than before. He'd even had it out with Rita Skeeter over an article the woman had written, lashing out at Minerva for hiring him back, and she'd gone away with her face white and her ears ringing, thoroughly convinced that he would kill her in her sleep if she ever dared write a single word concerning him again. But for the most part, the anger which had fueled so much of his temper had been greatly mitigated, leaving him a calmer person, one who, since he didn't lash out with stinging sarcasm all the time, found himself invited to the various faculty members' quarters for tea and chess upon occasion. Sometimes he even accepted.  
  
But despite everything, Severus was still at heart a rather lonely man. He wasn't completely empty as he had been at the point he'd thought to kill himself, but there was something missing in his life, something that no number of friends or worthwhile work could fulfill. Nothing could fill it, or at least nothing on this earth, and he resigned himself to being alone in that fashion for the rest of his life. Albus had done it, after all, and now Severus thought he had a good understanding of why.  
  
And so he had come to the bridge to reflect on the last year and how much he had changed during that time. It wasn't because he felt closer to Lupin at this spot than any other or because he was wishing that if the Powers That Be cared enough to save him, they might care enough to let him see Lupin one last time. That would have been so ridiculously sentimental that he really _would_ have to throw himself off the bridge again, because he wouldn't have been able to stand himself.  
  
He stood quietly for a time, and then he drew a heavy sigh; whatever secret wishes he'd had were idiotic, and he told himself firmly to just get over the whole thing already.  
  
"Thank you, again," he murmured to the darkness and straightened up. He'd go back to Hogsmeade, to the Three Broomsticks, and get spectacularly drunk. It seemed the second best way to celebrate the first year of his new life.  
  
Suddenly, he caught a flash of crimson out of the corner of his eye just before he felt the light brush of a feather tickling his cheek - and then there was solid warmth pressed against his back, and a soft, husky voice murmured in his ear. "You're welcome."  
  
Startlement turned to shock when he whirled and saw Remus standing behind him, looking remarkably _real_. Better, too, he noted. Whatever had been going on in the afterlife, it seemed to have suited Remus, who was dressed not in the neat but obviously oft-mended and shabby clothes he had worn in life and the first time Severus had seen him after death. This time, he was wearing jeans that were not faded or threadbare and a thick wool fisherman's sweater. His navy pea coat looked new rather than second-hand, and the emerald green scarf wrapped loosely around his neck made his blue-green eyes seem more vivid. Not that Severus was paying attention to that, of course. His cheeks were rosy from the cold and fuller than Severus remembered, and his hair was longer; he had an air of health and vitality that he had lacked in life, which Severus found morbidly ironic.  
  
"What... how?" he asked, although he thought it might not be wise to question it. He'd wished for this, hadn't he, and he offered a silent thank you to something else other than Lupin as he reached out, laying his hands on Remus' shoulders, gazing his fill of the face he'd been yearning to see and hadn't found, not in all the places he'd been or all the people he'd met.  
  
"You look... good," he said huskily, absorbing the heat of Remus' body through the jacket and sweater, wondering why he'd always felt so warm, even as no more than a ghost. Fawkes' feather was in his hand, and that was what Remus had tickled him with. He quirked a brow, his lips twitching. "I see you got to keep it. I suppose it was the least they - he, it, whatever - could do for you under the circumstances."  
  
"I did get to keep it, yes," Remus replied, pocketing the feather before moving closer and resting his hands at Severus' waist. "You look good, too," he added, searching Severus' face, and for a moment, Severus thought he saw a hungry gleam in Remus' eyes, although he dismissed it as a trick of the dim light. "Have you been shagging bronze-skinned men and sipping drinks with umbrellas in them on the beach?" He clenched his fingers in the fabric of Severus' robes, his expression hopeful. "Have you been happy?"  
  
"What, you've not been gazing down on me from your lofty heights? I have been content," Severus admitted slowly. "I have indeed been sipping drinks with umbrellas on the beach and admiring those bronze-skinned men... even dancing with them." His lips quirked briefly, and he shrugged; it seemed idiotic, he supposed, to be making these admissions to a dead man, but why hold anything back now? "I've not done any shagging, although not for lack of opportunity. I've not simply not found anyone who attracted me _that_ much. I have my job at Hogwarts back and my wand, and Albus even left me his personal library, so I don't lack for occupation. I'm not having to risk my life other than in first year potions classes, and there is no looming menace to keep me up at nights. It is... enough to be going on with, as Albus would say."  
  
"I don't get monitoring privileges, unfortunately." A mischievous twinkle appeared in Remus' eyes, and he slid his arms around Severus' waist and pulled him closer. "I'm glad things have turned around for you. It sounds as if you finally have a measure of peace in your life, and you deserve it. But..." He tilted his head and slanted a coy smile up at Severus. "You still sound lonely, and I'm not best pleased by that. After all my hard work, I will settle for nothing less than your perfect happiness. If the bronze-skinned men weren't enough to attract you _that_ much, I must wonder what would. Dare I ask if your taste runs more toward pale-skinned, bookish types?"  
  
Severus' breath caught as Remus pulled him closer, but he didn't resist; he wasn't even sure that he could have, and he certainly didn't _want_ to resist. It could come to nothing but pain, but if this was all that he could have for the rest of his life, he was damned well going to take it and enjoy it while it lasted. No one had ever affected him the way Remus Lupin did, and the memory of their kiss that last night on the bridge had been what held him back from taking a lover. Nothing could be that perfect, and he didn't want to sully the memory of that kiss with any lesser experiences.  
  
Gazing down at Remus soberly, Severus took one of the biggest risks he'd ever taken in his life. "My taste runs toward one pale-skinned, bookish type, but unfortunately, he's not available," he replied quietly. "Damn him, he annoys me and makes me want to shake him until his teeth rattle, but if there was ever anyone beyond my reach, he is. So I suppose you will have to settle for my continued contentment, since perfect happiness is not within my grasp. Not in this world, at least... and I don't know enough about the one after to say if there is any more hope there." He paused, then spoke again with an unaccustomed tentativeness. "Dare I ask if his taste would run to tall, gawky, big-nosed men with surly tempers?"  
  
Remus' face lit up, suffused with joy and far more animated than Severus could ever remember seeing him before, and he pushed himself up to kiss Severus, a brief, hard kiss that wasn't satisfying, but it was oddly hopeful. "Yes, it most certainly does," he replied. He cupped Severus' cheek in one hand, his smile turning regretful. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Time doesn't work the same way there as it does here. It seemed like no time at all to me since I visited you, and I didn't realize it had been a year, but I'll do my best to make up for lost time."  
  
"Wait... what?" Severus asked, blinking in surprise. He leaned into the touch of Remus' hand. "Don't toy with me, Lupin. I wished you here, didn't I? Or is there something else going on? How long do we have until you go away again?"  
  
Remus was beaming again, a happy sparkle in his eyes, and he stroked Severus' cheek tenderly with his thumb. "We have the rest of our lives," he said. "I'm not a ghost, a messenger, or the product of temporary wish fulfillment. I've been given a second chance too, and I want to spend every minute of it with you."  
  
"You have?" Severus felt a surge of something he couldn't remember feeling since he was a child - pure, unfettered joy. He stared down into Remus' face, hardly daring to believe it could be true. "And you do?" A million questions trembled on his lips, hows and whys and none of it really mattered, did it? Remus was here, and he was staying. "That will be acceptable," he drawled.  
  
"I'm very glad to hear that." Remus pulled away from the embrace, but only long enough to tuck Severus' arm through his. "Shall we go in out of the cold, then? I can tell you what happened, and then..." His smile turned wicked and promising. "We can start making up for lost time."  
  
That was more than acceptable, especially given Remus' smile, and Severus turned and started back toward Hogsmeade. "We shall have to walk all the way back to Hogwarts, but that gives you time to talk." His dark eyes looked at Remus with heated intensity. "After we reach my quarters, there might be screaming, but there most assuredly will be no talking."  
  
For the first time that he could remember, Severus heard not a restrained chuckle but outright laughter from Remus, and the sound warmed him in ways gloves and scarves couldn't hope to do. If nothing else, it let him know that Remus didn't have any regrets about leaving the afterlife behind and taking up the burdens of mortality again.  
  
"Well, to start with, let me assure you that I had no idea the Powers That Be would do this when I visited you," Remus said, his tone light and conversational as they walked along. "My original motives for that visit stand: I wanted to help you, and I had no ulterior motives. But either they decided to reward me for a job well done or they felt sorry for me, but whatever the reason, they came to me again and offered me the chance to return to life - _my_ life, not a rebirth - and I didn't hesitate to take it." He smiled wryly and shrugged. "My decision was not entirely popular, but I've learned not to make choices based on what other people want or expect anymore."  
  
"Hmphf," Severus snorted haughtily, but it lacked heat. "It's about damned time."  
  
"On that point, we are entirely in agreement," Remus replied amiably. "At any rate, I was allowed to return, and here I am. As far as everyone else knows, I didn't die in the Battle of Hogwarts, and I've spent the past year and a half working with Kingsley on werewolf service reforms in the Ministry - which means I am gainfully employed for once - and raising Teddy. You and I are the only ones who remember what really happened."  
  
"Oh," Severus said, trying to take all of the information in at once. It hadn't occurred to him how to explain Remus' return; he'd been thinking too much about shagging and too little about inexplicable returns from the dead. But it seemed as though it were all taken care of, and they would be able to just live, without worrying what people would think about Remus' sudden appearance. "That's rather convenient. So I assume that a suitable amount of time has passed for you to mourn your wife and move on?" His tone was casual, although the question was not.  
  
"As far as I'm concerned, it has," Remus said firmly, pressing Severus' arm against his side to emphasize his point. "If I want to keep company with a certain tall, dark, and snarky gentleman, then it's no one's concern but my own." He hesitated and glanced up at Severus with a flash of concern in his eyes. "It isn't a problem that I'm a father, is it? I know you aren't overly fond of children, but I have no qualms about you being a part of Teddy's life. I think he would be lucky to learn from you. I understand, however, if instant parenthood isn't appealing."  
  
Up until that point, Severus hadn't thought much about Teddy Lupin, and he frowned, giving the issue the serious consideration it deserved. He wanted Remus as part of his life, but how would a child fit into that picture? "It's not a problem, not in the sense that I am vehemently opposed to it, nor would I ask you to choose between me and your son," he said slowly. "I've never been around small children, you know, only school age and older, so I'm not completely certain how he will react to me or me to him. I suppose there is nothing for it than to try and see." He looked at Lupin sidelong as they walked along. "Although if he takes after you, he'll no doubt have me doing his bidding in short order."  
  
Remus' relief was palpable, and he hugged Severus' arm tighter. "He's a clever boy, and he's quite personable and out-going. In that sense, he is rather like me - or rather, how I was before I was bitten." He smiled, displaying all the tell-tale signs of a soppily proud father. "I'm so glad I was given the opportunity to know him, and I'm certain he will like you. _I_ like you, after all, and they do say 'like father, like son'," he added playfully.  
  
"I am undoubtedly in for a great deal of trouble with two of you ganging up on me," Severus groused, although it was more for appearance's sake than anything else. Remus was warm against his side, and it was difficult to be too disturbed by anything, even the thought of a toddler suddenly invading his life. It seemed a relatively small price to pay, really, for having Remus, when he'd never even considered it a remote possibility even in his wildest dreams. No doubt he owned a debt to the powers who had saved him and allowed Remus to return to him as well. Or maybe this was his real reward for having fought in the war and done his best. Either way, Severus wasn't going to examine motivations too closely. He had much better things to do with his time now.  
  
"Where are you living, then?" he asked suddenly, looking down at Remus with a raised brow, his curiosity piqued by all the machinations involved.  
  
"Apparently, I have a small house on the outskirts of Hogsmeade," Remus replied, a trace of amusement in his voice. "Mind you, I haven't actually _seen_ it yet. It's very odd to have a year and a half of memories in my head that I didn't actually experience myself. I was just sort of dropped into the middle of things, but that's hardly a complaint. At any rate, I - we - live in the village." He glanced sidelong at Severus, his smile widening. "You've been brewing the Wolfsbane Potion for me, which I suppose will be a convenient explanation as to how our relationship began."  
  
"It seems that everything has been thought of," Severus said softly. "Although I do have to ask, what did your wife think of all this? Am I going to have to worry about angry ghosts visiting me in the night, intent on mayhem and murder? For I warn you, mother of your son or not, I have no more compunction about exorcising her than I would Black."  
  
"She was not best pleased," Remus admitted with a little shrug, but he seemed remarkably unconcerned. "She had an idealistic vision of our relationship when she was alive, and not much changed after death. I believe she wanted the sort of blissful eternity together that James and Lily have, but that isn't what I wanted. My feelings for her didn't match hers for me. I liked her. I loved her after a fashion, but she was not the love of my life." His expression turned somber as he gazed up at Severus. "I told you once before that one of my regrets was not having fallen in love. I don't intend to die with that regret again, and when I return to the afterlife, it will not be to spend the rest of eternity with Tonks. I believe she understands that now, and whether she accepts it or not... Well, that isn't my concern any longer."  
  
Severus stopped in his tracks, turning to look at Remus somberly, searching his face for any signs of duplicity. But he saw only sincerity in Remus' eyes, and it gave him a sense of warmth that he'd never felt before. "You're a completely soppy Gryffindor," Severus said then, as he pulled Remus hard against his body, unable to let the comment pass without some sort of reward. Bending his head, he captured Remus' lips in a fierce, hard kiss, one that spoke far more eloquently than he could of his own feelings. Then he pulled back for a moment, lips quirking in a decidedly wicked expression. "I don't think it's my concern, either. Although I suppose that it will take a few dozen years of shagging to make absolutely certain. Can't take chances in a situation like this, you know. I am a most thorough man, and I'll not have it said that I didn't explore _all_ the bases. Multiple times, if necessary."  
  
Laughing breathlessly, Remus wound his arms around Severus' neck and pressed close, his wicked smile matching Severus'. "I've always admired your attention to detail," he said. "But really, I think it's time to stop talking and start hurrying. If we aren't indoors and undressed soon, I may not be able to contain myself much longer, and I doubt either of us would enjoy having our bare arses exposed to the cold, desperate though we may be."  
  
"Oh, very well," Severus sighed, although his eyes gave lie to the put upon tone of his words. He pulled back from Remus, then captured his hand and began hurrying toward the castle, which had finally come into sight. He spared a glance, as he always did, toward the lake, never having forgotten the sight of the mer -people's bodies or the giant squid sinking beneath the surface for the last time. Although he would never admit to it, he'd spent no small amount of time in the last few months walking the shores of the lake, and had even picked up a few words of the mer-people's language. Not that he was sentimental or anything idiotic like that.  
  
There was, fortunately, a back way into the dungeons, one that would be quicker than going through the castle itself, especially as they risked running into people who might delay them or ask questions. He urged Remus toward a small, virtually hidden door, and then down a set of stone steps and into the torch light of the low-ceilinged dungeon. His quarters were only a few steps further along, and in a very short time he had removed the wards and pulled Remus inside, taking care to reset them against any disturbance before turning to Remus at last.  
  
"Here we are," he said, stepping close to Remus once more, capturing his hand. "If you would prefer to skip the tour, I promise that you can explore to your heart's content later. Right now... I think the bedroom is the only room I care to show you, and only a limited portion of that."  
  
Twining his fingers with Severus', Remus nodded without hesitation. "Coincidentally enough, that is the only room I have any interest in seeing, and you are the only thing I am interested in exploring at the moment."  
  
"Excellent, then we are in agreement." Severus wasted no further time or words, pulling Remus toward the bedroom and shutting the door behind them. Once inside, he turned to place his hands on Remus' shoulders, sliding them under the coat and pushing it back and off Remus' arms. He was hungry, even ravenous, and after thinking there was no chance for a relationship of any sort for him, he was anxious to start this one. Or perhaps it was that he was not entirely certain that Remus would be able to remain after all, and until they could be together, naked skin to warm, naked skin, he wasn't willing to leave anything to chance.  
  
Once Remus' coat and scarf were discarded, Severus turned his attention to Remus' sweater. He tugged that away as well, off over Remus' head, then cast it aside so that he could look his fill at Remus' body. "Beautiful," he said approvingly, reaching out to run his hand over the light hair covering Remus' chest, a tight knot of need coiling inside him.  
  
Seeming unselfconscious under the scrutiny, Remus smiled and arched beneath Severus' hand, giving a little hiss of pleasure. "I'm glad you approve," he murmured, a heated gleam in his own eyes as he reached out and dispensed with Severus' outer robes before focusing on the layer beneath. He unfastened the little jet buttons at Severus' throat and leaned forward, running his nose along the length of Severus' neck as if scenting him, and he pressed a kiss beneath Severus' ear. "I've fantasized about these buttons of yours. It's like unwrapping a gift - and knowing whatever I find is all mine."  
  
Severus gave a small moan as Remus found _that_ spot beneath his ear, sending sparks of arousal through his whole body. The desire in Remus' eyes was flattering, as well, and it eased any self-consciousness he might have felt. Remus wanted him, had returned from death for him, and no amount of problems with body image could stand in the face of that.  
  
He placed his hands on Remus' waist as Remus' fingers worked at his buttons, his face absorbed as his hands moved. Severus took the opportunity to run his hands up Remus' back, reveling in the sensation of his warm skin, starved for touch and indulging himself in assuaging his hunger shamelessly. "Yours," he agreed quietly, with no hesitation in his voice.  
  
Remus smiled against Severus' skin at the affirmation and wriggled happily beneath his stroking hands, seeming as starved and eager for touch as Severus was himself; he continued unfastening the long row of buttons, pausing to stroke the bare skin he uncovered along the way, and when he had unbuttoned Severus' robes to the waist, he slipped his hands beneath the folds of fabric and pushed the robes over his shoulders and down his arms, letting them puddle at Severus' feet, and Severus paused to step out of the pool of fabric and strip off his shoes and socks. Stepping back, Remus let his gaze roam up and down the length of Severus' body, unabashedly admiring. For once, the calm mask was gone, and if Severus had to describe the look on Remus' face, he thought it might be something akin to a child at Christmas who had been given the biggest and best present beneath the tree.  
  
He'd never felt so desired in his life, and it lent him confidence to stand and preen beneath Remus' regard. Then he moved his hands to the waist of Remus' jeans. "As fetching as these are, I want them off. Now," he said firmly, hands moving to the front to fumble a bit with the snap. He wasn't used to Muggle clothing or at least the removal thereof.  
  
Chuckling warmly, Remus toed off his shoes and then helped Severus with the buttons of his fly. "As you wish," he said, his voice husky with arousal, and he shimmied out of his jeans and underpants at the same time, stripping them off along with his socks until he stood naked before Severus. He had lost the lean and hungry look the years of poverty had given him, although he had not grown soft by any means either; he was fit for a man his age, and although Severus could see scars on his body, marring his pale skin, they didn't detract from the pleasure Severus felt at looking at him. "Now it's your turn," he added, splaying his palms on Severus' torso and slowly running them down the length of it. "I'm ready to see all of you."  
  
Severus didn't hesitate to remove his own underpants, so that he was a bare as Remus. He stood so that Remus could look at him as well, although he longed to pull Remus into his arms and feel their bodies pressed together with nothing to separate them. "What do you think?" he asked softly, inclining his head and flushing just slightly. "Am I worth coming back to the vale of tears for? I hope you believe you got a bargain, rather than a raw deal."  
  
The gleam of pure lust in Remus' eyes was all the answer he needed, but Remus' words provided welcome reassurance as well. "More than a bargain," Remus said, a hint of a growl underlying his voice. "A bonus I never dared hope for." He closed the distance between them and captured Severus' face between his hands. "I would have been satisfied simply by being given a second chance at life, but knowing you want me - that you are willing to give us a try - has brought me joy."  
  
Drawing Severus down, he claimed Severus' lips in a searing kiss and plundered Severus' mouth with a possessive fervor, sliding both hands into Severus' hair as he anchored Severus in place, making it clear that he didn't intend to release Severus until he had slaked his hunger.  
  
Severus went into the kiss eagerly, wrapping his arms around Remus in turn and pressing tightly against him, as though seeking confirmation with every part of his body that Remus was here and desired him. He parted his lips, inviting Remus to deepen the kiss, excited and aroused by Remus' possessiveness and the dominance he was displaying. _This_ had been what he had been craving, and what he knew that he wouldn't find in the arms of anyone save Remus. This was what he had waited for, and it had been more than worth it.  
  
The kisses went on and on, one flowing into another until Severus was light-headed, drunk on desire; he couldn't get enough of Remus' taste or the feel of Remus' body in his arms, and it seemed Remus felt the same way because Remus was no more eager to break off from the intoxicating kisses than he was, and Remus' hands roamed Severus' body as if trying to memorize him through touch alone.  
  
Without releasing Severus' mouth, Remus began walking him backward until his legs hit the edge of the bed; only then did Remus pull back, but it was just long enough to urge Severus down, and as soon as Severus had climbed onto the bed and stretched out on his back, he found Remus atop him, kissing him again and twining their legs and _moving_ , rocking against Severus at a slow, sultry pace that fanned the flames of his arousal higher.  
  
Severus moaned into the kiss, feeling his entire body flush with desire, his arousal rising higher and higher with every slide of sweat-slick skin against sweat-slick skin. He arched against Remus, seeking even more contact, trembling from the force of his desire.  
  
Remus filled each and every one of his senses, touch and taste, sight and scent, and the sound of Remus' breathing and the pounding of both their hearts. He'd never feel _need_ like this before, overwhelming, intoxicating, exhilarating, and he reveled in it. "More," he managed to say against Remus' lips, his nails scoring down Remus' back and making Remus arch and moan beneath his hands.  
  
"Yes, I'll give you more," Remus murmured, biting gently along Severus' jaw to his ear and tugging on the lobe. "I'll give you everything you want."  
  
He moved down Severus' body, marking his trail with lips, teeth, and tongue, leaving no part of Severus unexplored; beneath Remus' greedy hands and mouth, Severus felt like a feast laid out for a starving man, and he was helpless to do anything more than writhe and moan as Remus devoured him. Never had he been the focus of such intensity before, but he welcomed it now. When Remus moved to kneel between his legs, he bent his knees and let them fall open wider, his breathing little more than shallow gasps as he gazed at Remus with half-lidded eyes.  
  
Remus leaned forward and smoothed both hands along Severus' chest to his quivering stomach in a proprietary gesture, and he let them come to rest on Severus' hips as he met Severus' gaze, a feral light shining in his eyes. "Tell me what you want, Severus," he said, the growl in his voice far more pronounced.  
  
"You," Severus replied, his voice low and husky and almost breathless with the depth of his need. "Everything. Anything. I just want to feel you with every part of me, so that I can't tell where I end and you begin."  
  
He opened his arms invitingly, an expression that was close to tender crossing his face, before he arched a brow playfully. "I've waited for this for so long, and I can't wait any longer. Take me and make me yours, or else I shall send you back to the afterlife with your ears ringing."  
  
Remus laughed, but there was a predatory gleam in his eyes as well that said he was all too willing to acquiesce to Severus' demands. Stretching out one hand, he summoned his wand, and Severus felt preparatory charms taking effect as soon as Remus tapped his hip; he was ready, his body taut and thrumming with need, and as soon as Remus tossed his wand aside and leaned down, Severus wound both arms around him and gathered him close. His breath caught in his throat as Remus positioned himself and it escaped as a moan as Remus eased into him, filling him slowly with a smooth, easy thrust.  
  
"Yes, yes," Severus whispered, pressing his mouth hungrily to Remus' throat, nipping at the sensitive skin there before soothing it with his tongue. He wrapped his legs around Remus as well, waiting as much contact as possible, then moved his lips to Remus' ear. "All yours, now and forever. In this world or any other."  
  
With that he rocked his hips, wanting to drive Remus wild with need, wanting the claim of the wolf and the heart of the man all for himself. He'd been told he was a selfish man before, but in this case he wasn't about to compromise. He could feel the shudder that wracked Remus' body in response, feeling a surge of fierce satisfaction at knowing he could affect Remus as intensely as he was being affected.  
  
"Yes," Remus echoed, breathing the words against Severus' throat. He could feel Remus' teeth grazing his flesh, and he shivered and tightened his arms around Remus' shoulders; that must have been all the encouragement Remus needed to bite down, sucking and worrying the skin, a low growl rumbling in his chest, the vibrations transferring to Severus as he pressed close.  
  
The pleasure mixed with pain made Severus cry out, his need inflamed almost to the breaking point. He threw his head back to give Remus better access, eagerly submitting to the claim of the wolf. There was something within him that responded with melting submission to the darkness of Remus' curse, to the wild and feral part of him. Severus wanted all that wildness, wanted to be the focus of its desire.  
  
His breath was coming in harsh pants between his lips, and he moved his arms, releasing Remus to lift them over his head, grasped the headboard of his bed. He wouldn't have minded being bound, but there was no way he was going to halt the proceedings at this point.  
  
"Take your pleasure in me," he said, his dark eyes burning with lust as he looked up at Remus. He licked his lips, clutching the headboard until his knuckles turned white. "I want everything you can give me."  
  
Lifting his head, Remus gazed down at Severus with a wildness in his eyes as if the wolf had sensed his submission and approved, and he braced himself over Severus with one hand and curled the fingers of the other around Severus, stroking him with a slow, smooth rhythm. "You shall have it," he growled as he began to move, quickening the tempo of both his hand and his hips as he continued to watch Severus avidly.  
  
Jolts of pleasure ran down Severus' spine with every thrust, and the feeling of Remus' hand around him made him ache and burn. He gave himself over to Remus' wild claiming, relishing every moment of it. A litany of words spilled from his lips, praise for what Remus was doing to him, demands for more, all interspersed with moans and cries of Remus' name. He felt as though he were winding tighter and tighter, higher and higher, pushed toward the edge. Then he was flying, every nerve in his body screaming in ecstasy, and he shouted Remus' name, arching back as he trembled with the overwhelming power of his release.  
  
With his lips parted as he panted for breath, Remus seemed to drink in every nuance as he watched Severus shatter beneath him, and the sight must have unleashed something within him, because suddenly, he seemed to let go, thrusting, pounding, claiming Severus with wild abandon, and he threw back his head and howled, shuddering as he buried himself deep one last time.  
  
Gasping, he collapsed on top of Severus, a sweaty dead weight, albeit a sweaty dead weight that was intent on nuzzling and nibbling his throat and growling softly in his ear. "I don't know what to say after that," Remus murmured at last. "Thank you seems an inadequate response to the best sex of my life - either of them."  
  
Severus couldn't help a small smirk at that, even as he wrapped arm and legs around Remus, not minding the feeling of Remus pushing him down into the mattress at all. His hands stroked Remus' damp back, and he chuckled softly. "You were more than adequate as well; enough so that I think I shall keep you despite your soppiness and that damned inscrutable mask you wear so much of the time. Although I shall expect regular, even frequent, repeat performances as reward for my incredible tolerance."  
  
"I don't think that will be a problem," Remus replied, and Severus could feel him smiling against his throat. "I'll be happy to reward you whenever you feel particularly put upon."  
  
"Then I believe we shall get on quite well together," Severus replied. He felt sated, content, and... "You said that you wished to see me completely happy, didn't you? Well, at the risk of swelling your head and making you utterly impossible to live with, I think it is safe to say that you have met your goal."  
  
Obviously, that was enough to make Remus expend the energy to lift his head, and Severus saw that he was beaming again, his eyes alight with joy. "I'm very glad to hear that," Remus murmured, leaning close to brush a tender kiss to Severus' lips. "Now I'll just have to spend the rest of our lives making certain you stay that way."  
  
"I shall hold you to that," Severus said, his voice lazy. "And have no doubt, Remus Lupin, that I intend to insure that we both have very long lives... _very_ long, indeed."  
  


* * *

  
  
By Christmas Eve, there was a fresh fall of snow on the ground, ensuring that the denizens of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade would have a white Christmas, and Remus was reminded of Currier and Ives every time he glanced out the parlor window. It wasn't the first Christmas he and Teddy had spent in their snug little house, but it was the first one Remus would legitimately remember, and it would be the first Christmas he spent with Severus, which made it doubly special. Thus as dusk fell, he puttered around the parlor while Teddy played with blocks on the floor, and he checked and double-checked to make certain the fire was suitably warm and atmospheric, the tree was glittering, the garland wasn't drooping, and the cider had just the right amount of rum in it.  
  
"What do you think?" he asked as he bent to scoop up Teddy and cradled him in an effort to keep himself from casting one last cleaning charm on the already spotless room. "Does it look nice?"  
  
"Nice!" Teddy agreed, and Remus nuzzled his plump cheek, grateful anew that the Powers That Be had given him the chance to know his son.  
  
Sometimes, he found himself stopping to stare at Teddy and Severus when he was with them, and he often reached out to touch them simply to assure himself that they were real. Sometimes, he went outside and stood in the cold until his teeth chattered to assure himself that _he_ was real, that this wasn't a dream or hallucination, and he wouldn't snap out of it to find himself back there, dead and lonely. He didn't know what he had done to deserve the gift of another chance at life, but he was profoundly grateful for it, and he intended to make the most of his second time around.  
  
A knock at the door signaled Severus' arrival, and Remus moved toward it with eager footsteps. He opened the door with a wide smile to find a rather pensive looking Severus on the other side, his stark black robes exchanged for ones of a deep green trimmed in silver, no doubt as a concession to the season and the party at Hogwarts from which he had come.  
  
"Hello," Severus greeted him, his dark eyes showing a flash of hunger. They had spent nearly two entire days in bed, only the necessity of Remus retrieving Teddy from Andromeda finally causing them to leave it. Yet apparently Severus' hunger wasn't slaked yet, and Remus felt a flash of answering desire.  
  
Then Severus' eyes moved to Teddy, the first time that he had seen Remus' son. Severus' eyes seemed to examine him with interest, before Severus reached out one hand with grave courtesy. "Hello, Teddy Lupin. My name is Severus. You look like your father, which is an excellent thing, in my opinion."  
  
From his vantage point in Remus' arms, Teddy stuck two fingers in his mouth and studied Severus gravely as if sizing him up, and Remus waited with his breath caught in his throat. Normally, Teddy was quite friendly, and he hoped Teddy didn't suddenly have a bout of shyness or crankiness; he didn't want Severus to feel rejected or worry that their relationship would suffer because Teddy didn't like him, and this first meeting would set the tone for the rest.  
  
After a moment, Teddy smiled broadly, showing off his teeth, and stretched out his arms toward Severus, opening and closing his hands. "Take!" he demanded.  
  
Severus looked surprised, and if it had been anyone but Severus Snape, Remus might have said he looked terrified, but he recovered quickly. Raising his hands, Severus reached out and took Teddy with almost finicky care, holding him as though he were precious - and possibly dangerous - potions ingredients. Teddy settled against him comfortably, and Severus drew in a deep breath, turning his head to look at Remus with a bit of trepidation.  
  
"He likes me?" he asked softly, as though afraid if he spoke too loud Teddy might break into screams of terror.  
  
"He likes you," Remus confirmed, breathing out a silent sigh of relief of his own, grateful that Teddy was being his usual personable self for Severus. With toddlers, one never knew when the wind of change would start blowing, but Teddy looked perfectly content to be held by a new friend. "He won't break," he added, amused now that the ice had been broken.  
  
"Easy for _you_ to say," Severus replied. "Well, since I have been accepted by the lord of the manor, might I come in? I've even brought gifts, not that I am trying to buy my way into his affections. I will, however, admit to not minding if it secures a down payment."  
  
With a warm chuckle, Remus craned up to brush a swift kiss to Severus' cheek and steered him inside with one hand at the small of his back. "Yes, do come in and bring the presents. Rest assured, anyone who offers presents moves directly to his Favorite Person list. I've got cider and rum if you want it. I thought you might want fortification," he said, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.  
  
Severus nodded. "It would be welcome," he replied, crossing the room toward the tree. He examined it with his head tilted to one side, then gave a nod of approval. He turned to look at Teddy. "I have a present for you. Would you like to have it?"  
  
Remus watched his son and his lover interact, feeling his heart melt at the sight; he would never dare speak his thoughts aloud because Severus would likely smite him where he stood if he said he thought Severus' way of speaking to Teddy - enunciating slowly and clearly - was adorable. But Remus didn't talk down to Teddy, and he refused to use baby-talk, so he knew Teddy wouldn't be terribly confused. If nothing else, he understood the word "present", and that, Remus knew, was the important part as far as Teddy was concerned.  
  
"Yes!" Teddy exclaimed, and Remus gave him a reproachful look.  
  
"What do we say?"  
  
"Pwease," Teddy added, widening his eyes, which were blue for the moment, and gazing at Severus with all the charming appeal he was capable of.  
  
"Let's sit down, shall we?" Remus suggested, gesturing to the sofa. "Don't be alarmed if he crawls in your lap. He's something of acuddler. Just beware flying wrapping paper once you hand over the present."  
  
"Cuddling must be a dominant trait," Severus murmured, arching a brow at Remus as he moved toward the sofa and sat down. Teddy refused to be moved from Severus' lap, and Remus thought he saw a moment of softness on Severus' face as Teddy settled in as though he had every intention of remaining.  
  
Severus reached into his robe and pulled out a small package, then drew his wand and tapped it, enlarging it until it was bigger than Teddy. "This might be easier on the floor," he said, and a flick of his wand sent the green-and-silver package floating to the ground. "There you are. Happy Christmas, Teddy."  
  
Teddy watched the display of magic with delight, fascinated by it as he usually was, and Remus approached, holding out his hands. "What do you say?" he asked. "Want Daddy to help open your present?"  
  
"I do it." Teddy scrambled off Severus' lap and slid down to the floor, and Remus sat cross-legged at Severus' feet, a prime location where he could lean against Severus' leg and help Teddy at the same time.  
  
The carnage was swift and merciless with bits of ripped paper flying everywhere and littering the floor. Teddy couldn't manage the box by himself, and so Remus helped with that part and lifted out the toy within - a thestral big enough for Teddy to ride on. Its leathery wings flapped lazily, and it tossed its skeletal head. As soon as Remus set it on the floor, Teddy clambered on its back, and it began to walk at a leisurely pace around the room while Teddy waved the reins and squealed with delight.  
  
"Well, that's made his Christmas," Remus remarked as he scooted up to sit beside Severus, curling up against Severus' side and tucking himself beneath Severus' arm without waiting for an invitation. "Thank you," he said, smiling warmly as he combed his fingers gently through the fine hair at Severus' temple. "That was very thoughtful of you."  
  
Severus seemed vastly relieved that Teddy liked the gift, and perhaps even a little amused. He leaned into Remus' touch giving a soft sigh. "I'm just pleased that he likes it and didn't run shrieking in fright. It was a calculated risk, but," he shrugged. "I saw it in Diagon Alley, and it seemed suitable. Much more so than those stuffed pastel plimpies or the fatuously beaming owls. A wolf would have been even better, but there wasn't one to be had, unfortunately."  
  
The pensive expression returned to Severus' face as he faced Remus. "Actually, I have a gift for you as well."  
  
Noting the uncertainty in Severus' eyes, Remus shifted closer and offered an encouraging smile. "Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll love it." His smile turned impish, and he decided to tease a little. "You didn't have to. I wasn't expecting anything at all, but since you did, I'll put you on my Favorite Person list as well. Teddy got more than his penchant for cuddling from me; I just happen to be neater with the wrapping paper."  
  
One corner of Severus' lips lifted in an amused quirk, and he reached into his robe, pulling out another box, this one wrapped in a blue green iridescent paper that matched the color of Remus eyes. "This one doesn't get any larger, unfortunately," Severus said, looking at the package rather than Remus. "Here." He thrust it into Remus' hand, a tinge of pink on his cheeks, which was no doubt the reason for the scowl that creased his brow.  
  
Remus glanced back and forth between the gift and Severus, wondering what could have made Severus blush and scowl at the same time, and he paused, considering whether he ought to offer reassurance that whatever the gift was, he would like it because it came from Severus, no matter how big or small, costly or inexpensive it was. Severus had taken the time to choose something for him, and that was the important thing as far as Remus was concerned.  
  
But he decided to open the gift first and offer reassurance after; curiosity was urging him to tear into the little package, and he removed the wrapping paper with more decorum but no less eagerness than Teddy had. He was surprised to reveal what looked like a ring box, and he gave Severus a swift, quizzical glance before prying up the lid.  
  
His breath froze in his lungs when he saw the ring nestled in its velvet bed - white gold, its surface textured to resemble a feather - and he felt his jaw drop in utter shock. "Oh, Severus," he murmured as he picked up the ring and held it up to the light, watching the play of light on its textured surface. "All I got you was a book!"  
  
Severus swallowed audibly. "Is it... inappropriate?" he asked, looking uncertain, then tipped his chin up to cover the momentary sign of weakness. "I thought Gryffindors enjoyed such soppy displays of sentimentality."  
  
" _I_ think it's appropriate," Remus replied firmly. "Anyone who doesn't can go hang. This is my life, and if I want to wear a ring to show the world I belong with you, I'm going to do it. Here." He held out the ring to Severus, feeling a knotted rush of emotion he couldn't begin to untangle, but all of it was good, making him almost as giddy as Teddy. "You should put it on my finger."  
  
Severus nodded, taking the ring and placing it on Remus' finger with a sigh that might have been relief. "I'm glad to see that you're less hung up on the opinions of others," he said. He gazed at the sparkling band for a moment, then finally raised his eyes to Remus. "I wanted... needed... to make it real. Even after the last year, sometimes it's hard to believe how my life has changed. Especially with your return; I have wondered if I shall wake up and find it was all a dream. Or perhaps just find that you really had died, and I was indulging in some idiotic fantasy of having found someone at long last to share my life with. But I can look at this on your finger, and it will remind me not that you belong to me, so much as I belong to you. I've never belonged before, you see. I find that I like the idea. Very much."  
  
The ring was a welcome weight on Remus' finger as he lifted his hand to caress Severus' cheek, and he leaned forward to press a light but lingering kiss to Severus' lips. "I like the idea very much, too," he murmured. Leaning back, he glanced over at Teddy, who was still engrossed in riding his skeletal mount, and back at Severus, happier than he had been at any Christmas - at any _time_ \- before in his life because he was at home with his family. He didn't care if he was moving too quickly; he knew what he wanted, and he had no intention of wasting time as he had before. "I understand what you mean. I've wondered if I will find myself back there with all this having been some sort of fantasy, but it's real, and it will last. This is a wonderful life, Severus, and I don't think either of us will ever forget that or take it for granted again."  
  
Severus looked into Remus' eyes, then nodded. "Wonderful," he repeated, his voice husky. He glanced at the tree, then at Teddy, before his gaze returned to Remus. Then for the first time in years, or perhaps even the first time ever, Severus Snape smiled.  
  
  


In every life  
It has been said  
There comes a time to join the dead  
Admit there is no second chance  
And join death in a final dance  
  
Across the floor eternity  
Until the final moments bled  
And in the dark to take his hand  
Accept that it is time to wed  
  
I don't know what I'm thinking  
Because all that I see  
Is his face grinning  
Mephistopheles  
  
I need to find an answer  
For this one can not be  
Within the words of mephistophel...  
  
Tell me what you think  
Tell me what you know  
Did you really think  
That there would be an ever after  
  
Do you think I'm scared  
Tell me does it show  
When inside this deafness  
I can always hear his whispering  
  
There comes a time you decide  
What from your life will be real  
What scars you will keep alive  
What you are willing to heal  
  
But can I gamble this night  
With everything that I am  
And can I erase my life  
Or do I stay here and be damned  
  
Tell me what you think  
Tell me what you know  
Did you really think  
That there would be an ever after  
  
Do you think I'm scared  
Tell me does it show  
When inside this deafness  
I can always hear his laughter  
  
I don't know what I'm thinking  
Because all that I see  
Is his face grinning  
Mephistopheles  
  
I need to find an answer  
For this one can not be  
Within the words of Mephistopheles  
  
Don't need this path before me  
Don't need forgotten glory  
Don't need these threats of violence  
Don't need eternal silence  
  
Don't need these midnight visions  
Don't need to make decisions  
Don't need to be uncertain  
Don't need this final curtain  
  
Somewhere out there  
He still gazes  
As I wander through his mazes  
  
Death and life here  
Truth or lies  
Every thought is well disguised  
  
Now  
It is too late  
This path to take  
Don't want to lose my life this way  
  
Medusa dreams  
The dead still scream  
Don't want to see my life betrayed  
  
All these things are now before me  
Endless death or timeless glory  
On this night of ghosts returning  
To the light of bridges burning  
  
Now it is too late  
This path to take  
Don't want to see my life be... (trayed)  
  
Tell me what you think  
Tell me what you know  
Did you really think  
That there would be an ever after  
  
Do you think I'm scared  
Tell me does it show  
When inside this deafness  
I can always hear his laughter  
  
I don't know what I'm thinking  
Because all that I see  
Is his face grinning  
Mephistopheles  
  
I need to find an answer  
For this one cannot be  
Within the words of Mephistopheles  
  
The cost of patience  
When there's no time before me  
Of hesitation  
All for this twisted glory  
  
And my salvation  
The cost of how it's gotten  
The cost of what's gained  
All forgotten  
All forgotten...


End file.
